Bipolar Story Posted April 23, 2011
I am a 42-year-old mother of three blessed children. I was diagnosed at 16 while very manic and confused. Today has been hard for me – the day before Easter of all times! My husband of 23 years is as supportive as he can be, but all too often forgets that I am, in fact, a full blown poster child for Bipolar.
At times, I think my doc is speaking French to me. I take my meds but a lot of the time I know I need new meds or higher dosages. I just want to cry a lot because I feel like instead of explaining my ideas or actions, I feel I kiss ass and let it slide, I am not taken seriously at all because I don’t help my case by bottling it up and then letting it blow when I can’t take any more.
If you have someone who has bipolar in your life, show mercy and understanding. It is needed and the gratitude will be shown.
Today I was educated on just what a failure I have been since my mom’s death three years ago. It’s a long story but let’s just say it ended up with my heart being hurt very badly by one I love, admire, respect, count on, and basically idolize. Please don’t add hurt to one who lives with it daily, and if you have to cause pain, try your best to ease it – no more is needed to any one let alone someone who beats themself up over past mistakes anyways. I guess that’s my biggest message: Don’t be cruel.
I wish my husband would read your message. He is organized, skilled, knowledgeable, and self-involved. When “something happens” and I need to say what hurt me (I want him to understand it hurt and to apologize) I get cut off with “I don’t want to hear it” or “Stop talking.” Very understanding and so helpful.
Is this my bipolar mind causing trouble? The situations are so stupid I don’t want to give examples. I get really twisted and don’t want to do anything that would be nice for him. I waste my time “not making messes” or doing anything constructive. I get stuck on whatever happened and can’t get over being hurt. When all is well I am a little “up” but I’m totally flat when things go wrong.
As long as I “keep quiet” and just enjoy the nice things my husband does (groceries and treats, makes dinner) all is well. We have a farm with donkeys, goats, and chickens. Animal housing is not ideal and it’s a source of trouble. He makes for me–his way. If I bring up a fault with the design of something he’s made (ignored), I can guarantee one of our spats is imminent. As long as I keep my mouth shut and gratefully accept what he’s done, all is well. Except that I’m unhappy because I have to make do with something that is less than functional. My building skills are nil including putting together something I would buy so that’s not an option. All this really boils down to my feeling helpless, ineffective, and unempowered.
The blogs seem like everyone but my husband listens. I need to know how to make this better. If I didn’t have parents and kids the choices would be more open.
I can relate to both of you. I am 47 and was diagnosed around 34 after I had my 2nd child. For years I had been to therapists/counselors trying to figure out what was wrong with me. – Once I was finally diagnosed, I went throught the gamut of meds until I ended up on what I’m on now.
I know I could use a tweak and that they don’t always seem to work, but I’m too afraid to say anything, so I just say what I think they want to hear.
A couple of years ago, I got really manic and then extremely depressed, so my pdoc added another med. That threw me into this crazy paranoid state, where I felt like all my friends were against me. I was suicidal, but I felt like no one cared. I was extremely hurt by one particular friend, and it has never been the same between us since.
As for my home life. I also try to keep my mouth shut. 20 years of marriage, and I still feel like I can’t say what I want or always be what I want. I’d rather not “push the button” and start a whole scene where I am told, “Don’t say sorry- just DO IT”, or “you’re the problem, you determine whether this house is happy, etc.”. I just go around keeping my mouth shut.
There is absolutely NO intimacy. I heard an idea on Oprah to try to keep intimacy in a marriage, have a 10 second kiss each day. TEN SECONDS- and my husband can’t even do that.- That makes me feel so ugly and disgusting. I feel like a roommate, who is a maid and a scheduler and a taxi- and I’m not doing well at any of them.
This illness sucks- the stigma,etc., really adds to the hopelessness.