Submitted April 10, 2015
My story started 12 years ago when I met Jayson. He was charming, handsome and successful. We started off casually because he had just gotten out of a relationship. He seemed to be a lost soul to me, and I felt like I wanted to show him that I could be his rock. Our courtship was full of ups and downs. He would shut down and sometimes not even answer my calls for days on end. I figured that he must be going through something and tried to be as understanding as possible. Sometimes, he would even flip things on me, and everything was my fault, even though I had no clue why we were even fighting to begin with. I found out he cheated on me and was absolutely devastated. I wanted nothing to do with him, but he told me he messed up and would never do it again. But it repeated over and over again. Our relationship hit new levels, but he always would have a fan club of females, and even though I should’ve know better, he would always lie to me saying that I was being insecure and that he would never do that to me, even though he never stopped.
After five years of on and off dating, Jayson was appointed to a big position 500 miles away. I was reluctant to move because of our history. He took the position and even gave me a promise ring to “show me” that he was loyal. Well, the loyalty didn’t last for long.
About one year later, some female contacted me via social media asking to speak to me. We spoke over the phone and she confessed that they have been involved for a year. Again, I was devastated. Trying to make a long distance relationship successful was a challenge, and here he was having all the fun in the world while I spent several nights alone waiting until the next time we would be together. I had no idea because every time I ever called him, he always answered. Every time. He told me that this was how he was going to win my trust back and show me how much he wanted this to work.
Well, she and I spent hours on the phone sharing stories. At one point I couldn’t take it anymore, because he was telling me that he was remorseful and didn’t want anything to do with her, and then here she is telling me that he was trying to make it work with her. I didn’t know who was lying, who was being spiteful, it was so hurtful. I told her to leave me alone and wished her well in her life. I cut her off and wanted to move on.
I started therapy again for the second time since dealing with him. (Very confusing time in my life.). He would do anything I asked — drive up to see me on an hour’s notice, send me gifts, shower me with love. During my birthday, we shared one of the best birthday weekends I’ve ever had. Shortly after, we got into a huge argument, and I told him that we are wasting each other’s lives and time and that the long distance and cheating had me going crazy. We didn’t speak for eight days. I was so excited. He kept calling me, and I would hit ignore. He would text me and I wouldn’t respond. I was really moving on! Eight days later, I realized that I was late with my period. I took a test and determined I was pregnant. I was alone, scared, and always wanted a baby. There was no way I could have an abortion.
I called him and told him I was pregnant and told him that we weren’t going to be together, but I was going to have the baby. He was so excited. He was saying how we were meant to be and how wonderful this all was. Within four months, he proposed. Two months after, he left his job and moved to live with me to start a new life. I couldn’t believe it! Everything I ever wanted with the man I always loved and always put before everything else was coming true! I was happy beyond words.
One week after we moved in together, his phone was going off, and it was a message from her asking when they were going to Skype. I couldn’t believe it. I confronted him immediately, and he said that she was going through some issues and needed to speak to him. She knew we were pregnant and engaged but that didn’t stop her. We were married one week later and had our child seven weeks after that. I never wanted a “shotgun” wedding, but everything came together so nice I thought. Three months later, she contacted me again saying that she drove up to see my husband and they were together in a hotel room when I called him the other night. My heart sunk deep in my chest. I told him how I felt about marriage, and here we are again. I never wanted to enter marriage if it was going to end in divorce. He knew this and was so serious about making it work.
Anyway, one year later, I learned that she moved up by us and was living 20 miles from us! Also, he was a supervisor and gave her a job, so he was her direct boss! And to top it off, she gave up custody of her daughter, so she could follow my husband to our new area! Who does that!?
There would be times where he would act distant and would shut me out. Finally I began to look through his phone when I found a text from her talking about people they worked with. That’s how I found out she lived here. Worst of all, it was my hometown where she was living! Two months later he lost his job; I wonder if his superior found out about the affair. I’ll never know. I was relieved though because now he wouldn’t see her whenever he wanted.
Jayson and I entered therapy and marriage counseling. He was remorseful, and I told him that his behavior is unhealthy and I feel that he has deep issues that need to be dealt with. I told him that he does things especially to me and feels no remorse. He is a compulsive liar and will see me in agony and hurt, apologize to my face, and turn right back around and do it again. He started seeing a therapist and was diagnosed with Bipolar II. He started taking meds and was seeing a therapist weekly. We were seeking counseling as well. He seemed to me like this was a breakthrough for us.
One time during a counseling session, our therapist said to us “Jayson, there is an elephant in the room, and you don’t even see it! You need to stop for a moment, look at the elephant in the room!” Meaning that he had no clue how crazy this entire situation was. I sat there while he spoke about being in love with her, but he knew that I was better for him. We spoke about boundaries, which never happened.
Close to three months after that, I felt this strange urge to check his phone, and found some more interesting text messages: “Thanks for bringing us the bagels babe! Baby and I just got done eating and are stuffed! She loves bagels!” That’s when I learned that she was six months pregnant with their child. She went and told everyone she knew that she was carrying his child — to the point that people I worked with found out as well. I denied it but was humiliated.
Now here I am trying to keep the peace for the sake of our one-year-old. Their child was born the week of our wedding anniversary. He was not present for the delivery, which made me feel good. She stayed around for three months until she realized that he wasn’t helping her the way she wanted. She threatened him, told him he was never going to see his baby again, you name it. She couldn’t believe it that he didn’t leave me, or that I didn’t kick him to the curb. She was happy when I found out about them, because she thought that I was going to throw in the towel. It sickened me to think that this woman and my sick husband were plotting to break up our family, so that our one-year-old would now come from a broken home. What kind of people are these?!
After she moved back 500 miles away, she would continue to cyberstalk me, every social media website, you name it. She even sends me texts on my birthday, our child’s birthday, Christmas morning, you name it. I told him I was going to take out a restraining order, but he begged me not to so that she couldn’t hold that against him with custody, etc.
So here I am, two years later. I have another child by him. (After she moved, life was wonderful again, even though I was still healing from that nightmare.) We moved to a new area far from her — about 1,000 miles from her. Three months ago, he asked to go visit his child whom he hasn’t seen in 18 months. I was reluctant because it was far away and I didn’t trust them at all. I had the divorce papers ready before he left. He signed them and then flipped it on me saying I am being irrational. I have nothing to worry about because they haven’t seen each other in 18 months. The one night I called him, and couldn’t get through. His phone was turned off. I had an anxiety attack knowing what was going on. Of course he denied it saying that he fell asleep and that his phone was on vibrate. Then it changed to his phone died because I called it 50 times. Amazing that the Sunday they were all together, she took everyone to church!
Can’t believe that they all went to church. So sad. She is involved with a married man and actively trying to break up a home with two children under four years old and she goes to church every Sunday.
This past week, I checked his phone and they are still involved in a relationship. Very much so. He cannot and will not put up boundaries or change anything. It’s like I am dealing with the Bipolar II from him and the spiteful nature she has. Man, she may even be bipolar because I don’t even know who acts this way. I read that they FaceTime every day, and when they don’t hear each other’s voices it makes them both sick.
What’s even worse, he recently has displayed behaviors this week, where he stole my phone and drove away and read through all of my texts messages, etc. He is furious with me that I reached out to his best friend, the best man, at our wedding for support. My entire family doesn’t even know what he has done to me. If I told them, it would make this all that much more painful. So, today, he is mad at me saying that I betrayed him and he never felt so hurt in all his life. I asked him “Do you think me confiding in your friend is worse than every single thing you’ve done to me?” He said, “No, but I’m not sure if I could ever trust you again.”
For anyone that is still reading my post, thank you for taking the time to understand my story. I didn’t think I was going to write this much, but 12 years is a long time. I do still love my husband, and I’m getting stronger by the day. I have two children to think about, and I know that when the day comes and they find out about it, it will be a train wreck waiting to happen and probably more therapy will follow. He is such an excellent father (he goes above and beyond), great friend and family member. He is also one of the world’s worst husbands. He was mortified that his best friend found out about our situation, but wasn’t really upset when I told him that everyone at my job was talking about it. He just shrugged it off that she was being spiteful. I have dealt with humility, disgrace, suicidal thoughts, endless tears and have learned to put up a front so people wouldn’t see my pain. That way it is easier for me to deny things that people find out. My terms on the divorce papers were adultery and extreme cruelty. He was mad that I put that I wanted full custody on the papers. I told him, “Why would I want shared custody, so she can babysit my kids when they go over your house?!” It is such a disgusting story. The thought makes my heart cringe.
Anyway, Bipolar is a terrible disease. It has caused me 90% of the drama in my life the past 12 years. The infidelity has caused 99% of the fights he and I have had since we’ve been married. Be careful and understand that sometimes they will even go to therapy as a way to build your trust back with them. Follow your heart and know that every situation is different. I know deep in my soul that I have exhausted every possible solution because I have fought over and over again, only to have the same madness, just several years, three kids and 1,000 miles later. It has made me stronger and I understand it now. I feel bad for him because I love and pray for the man that I fell in love with. She is his self-medication, and it feeds his mania. He lives in this fantasy world that is a secret life. (He is off meds and has been for two years now.) I just wish all the best to anyone dealing with this nightmare. Leave when you are ready, because dealing with this will condition you over time and your tolerance level will be high.