Posted on October 24, 2011
My name is Casey
I am 17 years old, and I suffer from bipolar disorder.
As a child I was prone to mood swings. I was hyperactive and my mum often had me tested for ADHD and then I was hit by a depression at 12 and I couldn’t get out of bed, gained weight, withdrew, etc. I would have months of depression and then finally feel better.
I was first diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression anxiety. As I hit 15, during my biggest episodes I would run away for no reason without knowing where to go. I was delusional and turned to drugs. I gave my family hell. Often my mum would be crying, wanting to take me to a mental institute, stating that I wasn’t her Casey anymore. But she got me help, and I resisted. I had every sort of therapist you can imagine. It took me a very long time to talk to them, and when I did they would cry. I hated that.
When I finally moved out on my own and was suddenly so depressed that I went on meds for the first time, and experienced a switch [to mania]. That was the proof my ego needed. I started seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me, put me on Seroquel, and just kept upping the dose, I am on the strongest dose possible, and I have no control still.
My mum is always looking for another answer. She can’t deal with me having a mental illness and my boyfriend fears me because of it. It gets to me, because I don’t want to ruin what I have again because if bipolar disorder.
I just think of my mum crying. My mania is aggression. I will be psychologically emotionally and verbally violent, as if I have no conscience. I talk to myself and hallucinate, but my paranoia is so high that I don’t allow my family to see. I live with my family, but I need their support not their fear.
Casey,
You have a tough sitaution and I can empathize, being bipolar myself and having a daughter who had the diagnosis for years. But like you, her diagnosis would change, and some of them were quite similar to yours. Keep trying new docs, meds and therapists. She and I did and it’s gotten a somewhat better. Also, you have probably heard that once you push closer to 19 or 20, things may start to level out some. Your hormones are more settled, your brain is more developed. My daughter had 13 hospitalizations and or long-term residential treatment placements. She struggles at age 22 but has come so so far. She lives with her boyfriend and supports herself. She’s happier and much more in control of her emotions and aggression. I was very verbally abusive to her as I have the unconrolled anger too. Now that she’s living on her own I’m much more able to control myself when we get together. You will get there too one day with the right support and understanding. I know that’s hard to get from people because of the stigma attached to mental illness, but keep on going!
Rachel
BTW, I wrote a book about my daughter and me – about our struggles with bipolar and about our struggles with the mental health system and schools. The book is called Hopping Roller Coasters. I’m sure you can figure out why 🙂
I got diagnosed with bipolar @ 31 and I hate it. I understand what your goin through. The docs had to try me on like 5 different medications before they found a combination that works. I hate takeing medicine everyday but if I don’t I will end up right back in the mental institution. good luck to you.