Submitted on July 18, 2011

Hello all,

going to be a long one so sit tight if you’re reading.

Firstly where to start, I’m 17 years young and boy has it been a hectic 17 years!! I am female and live in the UK.

My dad had bipolar disorder, and he really suffered from it, so much so that in Aug ’09 he killed himself.

Looking back to when I was little I see similarities to bipolar (I’m talking 7-8 years old). I would sit at my bedroom mirror and wish to be someone else for what seemed like hours.

Again the same old high-to-low scenario.

Then in my early teens I began to really rebel – stealing, drinking, drugs etc.

And again one minute I was completely hyped the next hating myself.

In the meantime I began to really relate to my dad; we would sit down and talk about our similarities etc.

Then as stated above my dad killed himself. I was the one who walked in and found his body. Admittedly wasn’t the most pleasant thing I’ve experienced but at the same time I’m glad it was me and not one of my other family members due to him being dead for nearly a week in the middle of a very hot month.

It’s been nearly two years since his passing and I think I am quite safe to say I have moved on, not gotten over it, but I have moved on.

I have now moved out into a flat with my boyfriend, who is amazing at dealing with my mood swings as he usually gets the brunt of it.

Still again, with the ups and downs of lows and highs.

I have been feeling very suicidal recently, not that I haven’t before but these past few months have been at an all-time low.

I went to the doctor to explain how I have been feeling for the past ten years and asked him if I was bipolar or not, (done around six online tests and each one suggests to seek medical advice as there is a strong chance I have it.)

I had just sat down and barely got my first sentence out when he said ‘you don’t have it, it’s just you are grieving.’

He has referred me to a bereavement councilor, which I am grate full for and everything, but if I’m just grieving, how does it explain before my dad passed?

My partner who came with me even said that the doctor didn’t even let me explain everything and just judged me because I didn’t come in bouncing off the walls. I’m shy! I feel like I have to pretend to be someone else because I hate myself and feel others will too.

I just want to know what is wrong with me and want a professional to tell me if I do or do not have the disorder.

Any advice from someone who’s been through similar?

Jas x