Posted April 5, 2013

I have never been technically diagnosed with bipolar, although it is a very common trait throughout my family.

One thing I will say I do regret was engaging in drugs throughout high school. Junior high was the first time I took ecstasy. I have no proof but I guarantee that it affected (worsened, activated) the bipolar genes inside me. Along with psoriasis and sonera close calls with allergic reactions and throat swelling. I would advise all kids to avoid drugs if there is a strong bipolar gene in the family.

As for me, my doctor knows my patterns. She’s known me, my mother, and brothers (all diagnosed with bipolar since I was three years old. I’m 23 now.

This is the first year I have not been drinking or engaging in drugs at all, and it has been a wonderful almost stress-free environment. So I have nothing to blame this year. And yet the hypomania, anxiety, and depression seems significantly worse this time around.

My doctor put me on Wellbutrin, Epival (also known as valproate or Depakote), and Xanax for my anxiety. Usually I am so sensitive to Wellbutrin. Still I’m just so depressed.

While in the process of admitting that there is an underlying condition, I feel my whole life is upside down. What if without my mania episodes I am a shy pushover kind of girl? What if I don’t like who I am, without my hyper-creative side?

These are my thoughts. I don’t know who might read and who might not. But maybe someone will come across this and see they might not be the only one thinking this.