Posted August 4, 2012 by Lisa
My husband suffers from bipolar disorder;
exhibited mostly as mania, which rapidly and unexpectedly turns into full blown psychosis.
I love my husband.
Rapid thoughts.
Wild eyes.
Sudden, jerky movements.
Trapped inside his head.
Call 911.
Must keep him safe.
Must keep our three kids and myself safe.
He’s locked inside the ER room, ranting.
Afraid to be in the room with him,
I sit outside the door, silently weeping. So alone.
A kind nurse walks by and gives me a tissue.
My husband thinks I have left him- forever.
He is trapped in the prison of his mind: in a personal Hell, suffering, fearful,
Deep in the merciless psychosis.
I worry he is lost forever, and that he will not come back to himself.
I love my husband.
Between episodes there can be paranoia, secrets, lies.
Sometimes my husband doesn’t know if he loves me,
Sometimes my husband doesn’t know if he even likes me.
At times, he can be distant, detached, unemotional.
At times, he’s ultrasensitive wherein words or actions are magnified and often misinterpreted.
But this is the sickness; not my husband.
My husband has a kind heart, a good and loving soul.
My husband is gentle.
My husband is one of the nicest people I have ever met.
I love my husband.
I am lucky. I am the healthy one.
I will not quit.
I hold his hand; when he lets me.
I push and pull him through life when needed.
I speak for him, when he cannot speak.
I shoulder the family tasks; because I can and he can’t.
I am a human life preserver.
I propel our family forward in this life.
Every birthday is a success story; the kids have spent one more year with their dad.
I try to heal my husband’s soul with love and constancy.
I am strong for two.
Most of the time.
At times, the weight on my shoulders is unbearable.
My heart is heavy.
I am exhausted.
I wish for strong arms around me.
But I must stay vigilant.
I am thankful for my true friends.
I am grateful when people ask “how are you doing?”
Recently, my dad passed away.
Days later, my husband had another major psychotic break.
It was a terrifying experience; for him, for me, for the kids.
I didn’t stop trembling for days.
My dad made me strong.
He was an example of inner strength, perseverance, and faith.
My dad is my forever hero.
My dad suffered from bipolar disorder.
Lisa (Aug4)
Wow! You are an amazing and strong person. Your family is privilaged to have such a wonderful person to love them. You articulate much better how I also feel about my husband and the emotional roller coaster that bi-polar takes everyone involved on. Your thoughts brought me comfort and strength, validating my own emotions. Strength and peace to you and your wonderful family.
Thank you for being so honest about your struggles. My name is Steve, 42 and have been diagnosed with bipolar for 20 years. My wife and I have been together for 17 years through 3 major, life-changing manic episodes. We have five awesome kids.
I wanted to say that without God we would have all been separated and suffering. He is our Father that has wrapped His arms around us when we were falling apart. We still struggle through the aftermath of all this and I turn to my Daddy and pray through every day. He loves us and is helping us through. I encourage you to reach out to God. Open your heart. Receive His love and forgiveness. He will not disappoint you. Sometimes I think He doesn’t hear or doesn’t respond yet later I find out that He is maturing me….moving me from being selfish and immature.
I will be praying for you! You are strong, so strong, and He can relieve the burden you carry. He can be your Father who knows you so well, who tenderly helps you through every overwhelming detail. He is love! He is love! He loves you!
Thanks for sharing your inspiring story and thoughts. As a bipolar person myself, I can relate to your husband’s condition and which him well managing this life-long disease. Thanks for being strong and supporting him. You inspire all of us.