May 20, 2008
I am Bi-Polar, this is what I have to keep telling myself. It’s not that I forget, it’s just that when things feel normal, they are normal, which leads me to think that I am normal. Bi-polar doesn’t feel like much, it’s very sneaky for me. I will give away all the cash in my wallet many days because maybe I’m feeling generous, so I am what I feel, not bi-polar. Bi-polar feelings can be rationalized, for example Mother Theresa gave away so much that it left her in poverty; she was not bi-polar, maybe I’m not bi-polar. I have to realize though I am bi-polar, this is what I have to keep telling myself.
It’s hard to think of a good reason why I told people that I was working for secret government agencies when I wasn’t. Maybe it was fun or maybe it just felt like the right thing to do. It was equally hard or harder for the people who were receiving my lies to think of a good reason for why I told them what I did. “I was acting bi-polar” will never be a good enough excuse for most people, they won’t understand. It’s hard being misunderstood.
I believe that civil rights and public understanding hasn’t reached the same levels as it has with other groups. If I was feeling “bi-polar” was a good excuse to people for actions, I would never be able to escape the stigma of having bi-polar actions. When I would be feeling ecstatic because I received my dream job my mood could be labeled by other people as manic, or if someone died who was very close to me my mood could be label just the opposite, people have a hard time knowing where it stops and where it begins; I have a hard time knowing where it stops and where it begins. This is bi-polar.