Bipolar Extramarital Affair

Posted July 30, 2008

After 6 years of a good marriage, my wife started acting very different and had an affair last summer which I found out about in August. We went to see our priest, who recommended us to a marriage councelor/psychologist. After a few sessions, he diagnosed my wife as BP and sent her to a psychyatrist who agreed and put her on Depakote.

I thought things were getting better, but found out in February that she had continued to see “Dom” on occassion and spoke with him on the phone several times a day. I called the psychologist. He felt bad for me, but told me that she was addicted to the self-medication, that being the fantasy life with “Dom.” She promised no more contact. In July, I found out that she continued to e-mail him from secret e-mail accounts and that they had both gone so far as to use fake names to hide it.

I am now thinking divorce is the only route I have left. I cannot take her staying in contact, and she is unable to stop. “Dom” is himself a school psychologist who knows she is under medical care and on Depakote. I plan to file an ethics complaint with the state, for what good it will do.

68 Comments

  1. The depression along with the desease makes me do things nobody would do. I would be searching for fun, excitement. But when I woke, life was the real thing and I was very low, almost suicidal. She needs help.

  2. I suffer with the same thing from my wife. She cheated on me with several men. Now she is contacting another one that she says was someone she met while she was out doing her thing. I told her how it made me feel. She promised not to do it anymore. She would have him contact her from numbers she would think I would not recognize. I quickly caught on to that. Again she promised not to contact him. I even spoke with the gentleman and asked him to stop. They both swear that it is completely platonic. I dont care though. Now she has resorted to using pay phones. Honestly I am in the same boat as you and am considering calling it quits. I cant do this anymore. There are plenty of other woman out there who will appreciate you for you and will give you exactly what you are looking for which is committment and honestly. Hope that helps.

  3. Look guys can i just tell it from the Womans perspective, i myself have bi-polar got diagonised a year ago and i am on medication and trying to live the “correct way” but i am finding myself looking for more exciting things and can totally understand what these woman in your lives crave…it horriable you do love and care for peoploe but this thrill ov excitment is somthing that cant be described, its like “normal” life is sooooo mundane and brings on depression…its hard to live wuth and u may say everybody wants excitment and yes they do but people who suffer from this disorder need EXTREAME excitment!!!
    Cat Manchester

  4. Im cool with excitement, but when a person enters a committed relationship, I believe you have to have an obligation to your spouse. You have to be considerate of his or her feelings. What if their are kids involved to? I think just because you have an illness which makes you behave irradicallyl is no excuse. You have to be accountable for your actions and how you are treating others. I think using your illness is just a cop out.

  5. WOW, reading the above from the other guys is exactly what I am dealing with now! My wife had an affair on me that lasted several months before I found out. She constantly has to stay busy and if she is not, she is SO terribly hard to deal with. As I forgave her in attempts to save my marriage and my family and reach out to her in ways I have NEVER done before in terms of support, love, etc…but she does not reach back. I too am at that crossroad of divorce, but I love the girl with all of who I am and just want her and our family to be normal! She has not been diagnosed with BP yet, but it runs in her family and I am certain she does. She is fine and happy talking to her friends and sometimes with me, but at times for no good reason she is completely MEAN to me. With this shared, it has now sent me into a deep depression to the point of wondering what my life is worth which is terrible as I need to be strong for my family.

    Are there any medications anyone suggests her to look into that will curve her swings? Right now she is on the highest dose of Effexor which seems to do nothing.

    Thanks

  6. I don’t know if I have done the right thing or not. I have been with my husband for 3 years now, but we were just married last May. During the first year we were together, although we agreed that we were not going to see other people, I found out that he was having numourous affiars, visiting online porn sites and he had 1000′s of downloaded porn pics and videos on his computer. The first year was a back and forth roller coaster. It went from him cheating to me catching him, to him being mad that I cought him and blaming me for being upset and then him begging and pleading for another chance. After a year of this, he took a new position in another state and I thought it was over. After a few months he returned to my home state and convinced me that he was a changed man and asked me to marry him. He was offered another position in a state 3000 miles away from my home. Since he appeard to be better, I agreed to move here with him. I gave up my apartment and my car and came here my two daughters to live with him and his son two years ago. Within months of my arriving, I cought him back on the porn sites. He behavior towards me and my children has been very controling and mentally and verbaly abusive. Over the past 6 months there has been such a dramatic change in his behavior that I no longer reconize him as the person that I moved here with. He appears to feel no oblagation or concern towards me or our marriage. He quit calling me at work throuhout the day and insisted that I only call him in an emergency. He became less and less affectionate until he showed no non-sexual contact at all. Even sexual contact felt differently. He no longer aknowledged me for the neck up and I began to feel as if I was being used as a blow up doll. If I tried to talk to him about the way he was making me feel he showed no concern for my feeling and only became angry at me and refuesed all sexual contact. He suddenly became extreemly disrespectful and refuesd to let me speak. If I tried to defend myself or get him to acknowledge my feelings he would become furious with me and ignore me for days even weeks at a time. I recently noticed a pattern in his family behavior between him, his mother and his 12 year old son. It was not until about 1 month ago that I realized that he was displaing signs of bi polar disorder. I love my husband and my step-son very much and it was my plan to support them and do all I can to get them help. However; telling my husband that I feel he is bi polar, even in the most supportive and loving way did not go over well at all. He refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem at all. The other day he was being mean and controlling with my 7 year old daughter again and had her on the floor crying and begging him to believe her about her room being clean while he yelled at her and called her a lier. I sent my daught off to her room and tried to discuss his behavior with him, but he only turned up the TV and ingonred me. I could not take any more, I told him to get help or leave. He choose to take his son and leave, but is insisting that I kicked them out on the streets. (I do know he is staying with a friend). Since he has been gone he refuses to talk to me or communicate in any rational way, not even to discuss his intentions. He firmly believes that I am the bad guy here. I can not afford to pay the bills here on my own and he has left the lives of me and my children in complete limbo. I sent him an email today again offering my love and support if he wanted to return home and get help, but he refuses to acknowledge me. Is there anything I can do at this point or is it too late?

  7. I am a 37 year old woman with bipolar and I experience the same things others are reporting. The need for “excitement” and doing things I would not normally do. I have not cheated on my husband but I feel I came close..developing a relationship, albeit platonic, with another man, and my husband found out. I actually told him. It is misery for my poor husband and misery for me. I would like to say, that while yes, bipolar is an illness, and I have done some reckless things, it is imperative that we take full responsibility for our behavior. Just because I have an illness, I will not blame my illness on my behavior. I am a grown woman, and I’m not “psychotic” ie: lost touch with reality. I knew full well what I was doing. I feel so bad for you guys that are going through this.

    It is so true..using your illness for an excuse for your actions is a cop out and incredibly irresponsible. And this is coming from one who has the disease and has done things she regrets.

    I’m extremely lucky my husband has stood by me. I am now “down” from my “high” and *extremely* depressed..but I know this too shall pass. Now the important thing is to work with my psychiatrist to get me stable.

  8. I’ve been married for 19 years to a woman who was diagnosed as BP 8 years ago. To say that we’ve been through a lot is an understatement.

    Hypersexuality, mania and the resultant infidelity are things that we’ve had to deal with several times.

    There are times when people with BP simply cannot exercise good judgment. Any competent care provider will tell you this. People with BP WILL do things that affect their families. That’s just part of being related to them.

    Although its really impossible to separate the illness driven behaviors from their personality, spouses and other family members need to understand that BPD changes the way people, think, feel and act. Allowances must be made. Not to do so is unfair because it holds people to unrealistic standards and disappointment becomes the inevitable outcome.

    It is very hard to know that your spouse has sex with other people, becomes infatuated with other people, and can even turn against the people that love them most.

    For many people, these are unbearable behaviors. However, the reason they are unbearable is that they conflict so strongly with expectations. So you have two choices: moderate the behaviors and/or moderate the expectations.

    It has taken years for us to come to grips with the fact my wife has BP. Fortunately, my wife is really good about taking her meds and seeking therapy. Even so, she has the occasional bout with mania so, for example, we now have an 11 month old girl by another man.

    I could get all upset about that, demand a divorce, etc. But the truth is, I love my little girl and I still love my wife.

  9. Stephen–

    I think you must be more tolerant than the rest of us mere mortals, because I’m not sure I would put up with quite so much. You mention two choices: moderate the behaviors and/or moderate the expectations.

    First, “moderate the behaviors” can mean all sorts of things from the person with bipolar willingly taking her medications and putting an honest effort into maintaining mood stability to forced commitment. Too much tolerance, I believe, can lead a loved one to inaction, which can actually be harmful to the person with bipolar, not to mention yourself and everyone else involved.

    I would question whether too much tolerance would be beneficial to the person with bipolar. If the person has no limits, faces no consequences for destructive behaviors, she has license to do anything. This is not good for her or her loved ones.

    From my experience, a certain amount of tough love is required.

    Oh yeah, my second point is that there’s a third option – leave. I’m not advising anyone to take this step lightly, but if the person with bipolar is doing nothing to help herself (or himself), I couldn’t fault anyone for taking this choice.

  10. I am the guy who wrote Bipolar Extramarital Affair. I want you to all know that things can get better.

    After extensive help from a psychologist, psychiatrist, our priest, and Depakote, our lives are starting to get back to normal.

    One day last November, my wife woke up angry. She was thinking clearly and it hit her: This psychologist is a predator. He knew she was BP, and took full advantage of it. As a psychologist he knew how to manipulate her and how to get just what he wanted. She took all the risks: she could have lost her home, husband, children and family. He was unmarried at age 44 and risked nothing but his personal well-being. Fortunately for him, a kindly old priest talked me out of putting the hurt on this man. God will settle with him at a much greater price than I could ever extract.

    If you are in the situation I was in, hold out hope. My wife is now stable and her greatest daily trial is living with the guilt of what she did to the children and me. But she will continue to heal, as will our marriage.

  11. You guys are kidding yourself if you think a cheater is going to change, whether he is bipolar or not. It takes a major catastrophe to make one stop that type behavior. Like drinkers who don’t know they are alchoolic. Only when they experience extreme consequences from their drinking do they change, if ever. Learn to love him/her with his/her flaws. Extramarital sex is not the end of the world. And it is legal. Or call it quit right now. At last, stop whining about this.

    • “Normal” ? While I don’t condone abuse, you come across as bitter, ignorant, and very insensitive to those of us trying to manage our lives while dealing with this disorder. To say that those who make mistakes, horrible though sone may be, robs those of us who are actually trying to improve of hope.

  12. Call me cruel or harsh but cheating is never okay. I tossed my bipolar husband of 7 years to the curb after sleeping with a 1st grade teacher at OUR daughters elementary school. Taking him back time and time again would only make me the enabler..and I don’t care what you have be it bipolar, major depression or PTSD you MUST be held accountable for your behavior. Mental illness isn’t your get out of jail free card. Sorry but this is the real world.

  13. My husband is also diagnsed with bipolar disorder and as he puts it “its all part of the disease” “All” meaning the compulsive behavior, from getting us deaper in dept to the sexual addictions from porn sites, adult friend sites, to sex clubs. I found his posts from claiming to be into everything including bisexual. He contracted a STD & exposed me to it. Lucky for me I was clean, Drug abuse, FIts of rage and now an attempted suicide because I found out his secrets. When does this all end?? I agree that these behaviors should not be enabled and that there are consequences that they need to be held accountable for. The families suffer and they get a free pass. P.S. I meet with a divorce attorney in a few days. Good luck to all its not easy

  14. i am glade i found this web site i have been looking for answers and questions like this hear bc i am bipolar and get stuff good to know im not alone thank you

  15. I am a 50-year old female who was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II five years ago. I have been divorced for 23 years, and while I was completely loyal to my husband during my marriage, as my illness has begun to manifest itself, I can see in retrospect many signs of hypersexual, reckless behavior. I am in the process of trying hard to end an affair with a married man – simply because the logical part of me knows it will go nowhere and that we are both “addicted to the self-medication” or the “fantasy”, as the first entry here describes. It is terribly difficult; he and I both have addictive personalities, and neither of us seems able to let go of the addiction and the various codependent aspects of the relationship. He will never leave his wife, and I’m frequently shocked at what I have come to put up with – just due to my own neediness. The possible bipolar component is certainly an interesting idea and I’m not sure how much of my history or previous behaviors are the result of it, but this is certainly the only situation where I’ve been involved with a married man. (He did not reveal this to me until we were far too involved in a relationship; by then, I was in too deep.)

    I will use the information from this site and blog to reconsider everything. I struggle so with this illness and really want to be healthy as much as is humanly possible.

  16. I’m trying to help out a middle aged couple who both have bi-polar and outrageous financial debt that they’ve acquired in the last year. He’s very quiet and is under control, takes responsibility for his life is willing to work on getting out of debt, but she acts out all the time. It’s all about her and spending money and never take responsibility for her words or actions. When I tell her this is her last chance to resolve their financial mess she insists that she needs $100 of play money per month to get her nails done, hair done, makeup and whatever she wants. I keep talking logic and responsibility and she keeps insisting on being a brat. When she doesn’t get her way she pours on the tears and I told her that her theatrics are not working on me and to stop acting like a baby.

    My question is which part of her irresponsible, immature behavior is considered a mental condition or is bi-polar just a mental health que for being an immature brat that doesn’t ever want to grow up and take responsibility for their actions? Everything that comes out of her mouth is negative and she assumes because she thinks this way other’s who have a healthier way of thinking must also be at her immature level.

    Believe me. I’m at my wits end. Is there hope for her or am I being used as a sap for a person who insists on not taking responsibility for her actions.

  17. I was married 30 years ago to a bi polar man who was extremely contolling and abusive. They do not ever change. I divorced him 27 years ago and have never looked back. These people only think of themselves and don’t give a **** about how you feel or what you think. Get out while you can or you face a life of hurt. I met and married a normal man 22 years ago and live is nice and normal now. I never thought I’d ever be happy again but I am. I am very glad that I walked away, bi polar is just too much for most people to deal with, IMHO. It will never get better than it’s worst day.

  18. I think my fiance is bipolar.His mood swings are draining me,the emotional and mental abuse is shocking and the disrespect is heart wrenching.
    In the begginning he was the sweetest.
    Now he is pathalogically deceptive and lying as a way of life.
    He goes for weekes without uttering one word to me
    and appears quite happy and normal while behaving this way.
    I have to make a decision.

    • Leave before you’re not married… it is so hard and so unfair. You deserve more. I wish I would have known about my husband having bipolar. It would have cleared up so many questions for me and helped me make the decision to break off the marriage. I have been through so much and now have kids with him. I am not happy… 4 affairs that I know about. Always says this time he won’t do it again but how do you really trust after being hurt?

      • My oh my…..I thought I was alone. My fiance, was dx with bipolar after an suicide attemt last year, after whe was lying and living a secret life…..I found out about this while I was sitting at his bedside in casualty, praying he would be ok. I realised that I should have trusted my gut feeling, as I knew something was up. We decided to work things through. As soon as he felt better he stopped his treatment.He had to travel for work recently, I found out that he is behaving like a sex addict and engaging in sexual activities with any willing person. I confronted him, he admitted to sexual encounter with one and only flirting with another. We had a wedding date for 2 months from now, not happening. I love this man and dont know what to do. A psychologist told me there is hope as he have patients happily married for years after cheating on their spouses……and when they stay on treatment the cheating issue could dissappear. I dont know what to do…..I dont know why I cant just walk away……… He say he is sorry and will do anything it takes not to loose me, I am the love of his life. Does any one have a success story?

        • Only after years of treatments and after consistent medication. Otherwise with an untreated bipolar unless you decrease the expectations you will find yourself living a lifetime of struggle and heartache

  19. I am pretty sure my exfiance is also. I am so glad i found this website also. It has helped me tremendously. The damage in our relationship has been exhausting, stressfull, and completely draining to the whole family. Mine was also perfect in everyway or so I thought till mania hit. Ever since its been like a runaway car without brakes. He is currently gone now with the other woman, but I honestly feel like its only a matter of time, till he “wakes up”. Maybe I am wrong but his history now that i see it is like writing on the wall. Good luck and pray like you’ve never prayed before. Keep a daily journal, it helps. Remember its not you and there is absolutely nothing you can do, change his mind, or reason with him during the manic phase. I know I tried, time and time again. Does not work. Save your breath you will know when he comes down the signs are there.

  20. I have been reading up on BP and have a gut feeling that my wife of 27 years is ether BP or totally deceptive person. Here’s what’s been going on for some time/years and I have dealt with it and she sort of appeared to be back on track. However, in the last year she has got this thing about not opening the mail, destroying it and not paying some bills. She can’t sit and talk to me or anyone else about what is going on with out flying off the handle, storming out and not telling where she is or where she was all night. Her attitude with the family is shorted fused to say the least and dare not ask her about your gut feeling that she may be cheating.

    I have mentioned to her that she needs to seek help that her actions come with out warning and she gets abusive. She never lets her cell phone out of reach, and when she goes to bed it’s somewhere on her side. Whenever she gets a call unless it’s our daughter she either hangs up or walks away and speaks quiet and for a short time. It took our daughter to tell her, “If yo don’t fly right I think Dad is going to up and leave because of your having to have a beer every chance you get.” Well that worked for a while but I don’t think it will last.

    OK here’s the big one….. a few weeks ago is the first time I had wanted to wake her up but didn’t. She goes to bed early and falls asleep in about 3 minutes. I stay up a little later watch TV or IM my son out in AZ and BS with some friends…. Now I hit the sack about a few hours later. After I’m sound asleep I’m awaken and startled by sounds coming form her. I roll over slowly and she’s on her back, moaning “_ _ _ _ me baby, Oh baby,” and she got her pelvis thrusting.” I was trying to catch a name but could make it out. So I don’t say nothing to her but just gave her a knee as I always do when she might snore and that was it.

    So this is on my mind and I ask her “Are you having an affair with someone?” she gets a flush look and then an outrage of anger and storms out of the house and doesn’t tell me where she’s going. I’m to the point of the big D. Nothing is going to ruin my health and I can’t put up with this anymore. I have pleaded with her to get help, because whatever it is has been getting worst. I’m going to say after all I have been reading that it very well could be BP. What’s your input ?

  21. Hi, DJ–

    Could be bipolar disorder, could be something else entirely, such as a thyroid condition. If it were me, I’d tell my wife how much I loved her, that she seemed not to be herself, and I’m concerned about her health. I would encourage her to see her doctor. (Sounds like you’ve done some of this already, but it doesn’t hurt to try again.)

    If that doesn’t work, I think some sort of family intervention would be in order. Your wife may need to be confronted and told explicitly 1) how this is affecting your life, 2) what her options are, and 3) the consequences if the situation doesn’t improve.

    However, ground all your actions in love and start with the assumption that this is a medical issue.

    I wish you and your family the best.

  22. I have a 20 year old son who is being treated for bipolar disorder and adhd. It is really a terrible disease. His life is going down, and there is not much I can do to help him, without enabling his manic and addictive lifestyle. When he is in the more manic state, he has absolutely no ability to think through his actions. He spends all his money on stupid immediate gratification things, and refuses to pay what he promises. The only reason he still lives at home is because he has bipolar. However, my husband, younger son, and myself are very tired of dealing with is irresponsible and self-destructive lifestyle. I am allowing him to continue this path just because I feel sorry for him being affected with this curse. Maybe if he were forced to move away from home, just maybe he would learn about the real world, and adjust his lifestyle accordingly. Now, he has it made. He spends his work money, along with his student loan money to buy stereos, tatoos, and alcohol, etc. Fear has caused me to allow this behavior to continue. My husband wants him out. I’m afraid I will never see or hear from him again because I am always worried he will take his life.
    The sad truth is his life is being taken from him each and every day he lives drinking, drugging, smoking, and not caring for himself. We have offered him everything, love, support, a soft place to fall, therapy, good doctors, everything that a caring parent would consider. The ONLY thing we haven’t done is to have him leave our home. Our son doesn’t take his bipolar disorder seriously, and we are all living in the worrisome chaos each and every day. He always acts resentful, and doesn’t appreciate us whatsoever. It is so sad, indeed. I pray for him each and every day. He needs to take his medication and see his therapist. I only see him when he comes home to take a shower. He is never here, but we have been dealing with his filthy room. It’s time for him to get a reality check TODAY!

  23. 47, bipolar. Wife is not. Since my diagnosis, she has been cold, uninterested and lacks any initiative. How’s a guy supposed to live that way with bipolar? I totally understand the need for excitement, although I have not cheated, nor have I joined any adult friends clubs or anything like that. I just want more of a rock and roll attitude from my partner. Have told her this many times, but no action. Maybe she’s having an affair to escape from her life with me!

  24. wow what a ride. My wife had an affair with some bum alcoholic jobless bast***. Its taken every once of self control not to drop a hot one in this guys head. Or at least kick the sh*t out of him. But nobody put a gun to her head. It was mainly the fact of who she was choosing that made me say wait a minute something is not right with her and gave me motivation to hang in there rather than just leave. This guy has even more character defects that what I mentioned. But it was through this affair and seeing counselors and physiatrists that we learned she is defiantly bi-polar. At first I thought cool there is a rhyme to the reason. But as I learn of this disorder and read post from people in my situation im scarred sh*tless of what this life will have in store if a stay with her. We have two young children and I do deeply care for her and want it to work but hearing things like bi-polar’s have no self control, selfish, and incapable of true love or empathy is just scary to me. Its such a multi-faceted situation. I want to do the right thing. Im just having trouble knowing what that is. I am Christian and have faith in Christ and know I will be ok but its just so hard dealing with the emotions. Sometimes I feel she is debilitating my mind and I now need some drugs to make me dumb and happy no matter what goes on around me. Its just so hard with loving her and having two children. I am a product of a divorced family and never wanted that for my children. sorry to ramble but sometimes its like why cant she just get it or do I have to leave her and let her world fall apart around her?

  25. Hi all,

    Married 38, been in a relationship with a realtionship with my now wife of 2 years for 8 years previous.

    I understand biploar and depression and me of all people, went outside my marriage, after really falling for another girl at work – she is proably a mirror image of me, up and down emotions, although I have done a lot of stuff in my life and much more control, its dam hard, but exercise, good diet, knowing that you cannot blame others and take responsibility for actions.

    I couldn;t resist anymore, and the thought of making babies, unlimited enertgy floowed my constant crying – I had to pull out, I loved this girl so much, but my wife has always been stable and had to tell her – she has never thought about suicide thoughts unlike myself and this girl – and a therapist was wrong many month sback to advis eme that this other girl sounds awesome, until I break it off, and its ‘yes you’ve done the right thing’

    Anyway, first thing is acknowledge you have a proble, and then do the most to keep working towards making life easier – and oh yes, if you;re in a marriage, tell your partner if you have sexual feelings for others if you want to ‘run off and marry someone else’ – its sounds crazy, but sometimes the thoughts are so racy..and if your stale other half really wants to move on – then bp should just get together and be as one…and stopping hurting those who support.

    sorry just my two cents..and all the best to everyone

  26. In April I discovered wife wife had a 3 week affair a couple months earlier. It is the most painful thing I have ever gone through in my life. I still have trouble but am moving forward. At any rate we have been married 22 years and this is 100% not her. She went to a Doctor that asked her to do a life timeline. It is clear she is BP without a doubt. It explained many things that for us really were unanswered. She has been this way all of her life. It just so happens that I had helped to create a situation that made the affair easy. She broke it off the day she told me. She has taken full responsibility for her actions and is doing everything asked. The meds are starting to even her out and she is thinking more clearly. Now there is awful guilt for her actions. She is my best friend and soul mate so I am by her side all the way. The BP seemed to take away the thought of consequences. I just wish we had know she was BP because it is very treatable and you can watch for the signs and triggers.

  27. Wow. Where do I begin? I was not diagnosed w/BP disorder until I was in my late 40′s. Needless to say, after living through tremendous chaos for years, I have only been this stable and aware for the last five years. (now 53) Even now some days/weeks/months are difficult. Unfortunately, I married a controlling cheater (2nd husband) at the beginning of my worst years. My mania/dep periods were exacerbated and accelerated by him. I found my highs in every imaginable way – except going outside my marriage. Many of the posters here sound like loving, committed partners. Your SOs are very fortunate. Be careful of the chaos you continue to put your children through. My biggest regret is that I subjected my daughter to a turbulent life, at best, and tortuous embarassing teen years during the worst. I can’t fix the damage done during those years and neither can you. Good luck to everyone here – no matter what path you my choose – sticking it out or getting the hell out. Just wish I had the choice.

  28. This evening my husband was admitted into the mental hospital for the second time in two weeks for trying to kill himself. We have been married for 10 years and I have been through an affair, anger, verbal abuse, and financial hardship. He spent 10 days in and got out last week. We have three children together ranging from 7 to 18 months. He was diagnosed with BP about 3 1/2 years ago. When he got home last week he was uncomfortable as was I but I expected this. Friday after picking the kids up I got home and he was totally strung out. He does not admit to taking any drugs but I found out that he was talking to one of the patients in the hospital that was an admitted drug dealer (prescription drugs). Saturday I caught him in a lie about talking to another woman, another patient he met. I tried to speak to him and let him and let him know that we needed to move forward and not start old habits. Yes, I gave him a choice to seriously try at staying well. He left and moved in with his mother statng he cannot handle reality. He has been gone since Saturday and has not talked to his kids once. His mom called me today to tell me there was something wrong he was stoned out of his mind and they could not get him to respond. He finally came around and she noticed he had tried to cut himslef again. Needless to say they took him to the ER. On the way there he began deleting all of his emails and text messages. He rode with our pastor and our pastor told me he was texting a women and immediately deleting the messages the entire way to the hospital. Not once did he call or text me on his way there. There is no doubt in our mind he was high on something they are going to do a drug test on him. I love this man and it makes me so sick to think of who has become.he was a great person when I met him, he has been a great father and now he is just a sad human being. I emailed the lady he was talking to and tried to confront her she flipped out on me and will not return anymore messages. Yes there was something going on, maybe not sexual but none the less inapropriate. I tried talking to him before they admitted hi
    and he blamed me for what he had done. I know better but my heart hurts. I feel absoutley sick to my stomach and am lost. I am exhausted and tired. How do I go on. I have three small children, currently am working two jobs (he lost his job about two months ago) and now have to worry if he will get out and want to love us or leave. I am so broken. I knew that it would be hard with the BP disease but how much can one take. I know that God has provided for me and my kids, I pray that my Hubby is not so lost that he can’t find his way back to Christ and his family.

  29. TO SOMBERMOM,
    It sounds like me talking, what you have described. My son too is bipolar and ADHD and 20. I have kicked him out a thousand and one times it seems only to have him pull on my heartstrings again. He now has a child on the way with a 32 yr old woman living on the streets. he cons the cops has everyone in our small littls town believing I’m insane because I hold him accountable for his actions.He is in a study for lithium and went out drinking on it I told him one more drink hes out. He went drinking I made him leave he called me every vile name in the book said its my fault he lives on the street hes gonna die out there hesays. I told him my rules were very simple no drinking(heis alcaholic and gets very violent) stay away from the so called friends he has. He says thre my friends I said then lets see if your “FRIENDS” will let you stay with them. I called missing persons place was having his picture splashed everywhere cops in my small town are HORRABLE they said hes going to hospital 72 hrs then to jail because he has warrants out on him 20 min later hes knocking on mydoor. cops in car eating telling me he isnt suicidal they reissued the warrant so again hes free I’m done1 its killing me literally in the past yr I have been diagnosed with diabetes, fibromyalgia high colesterol and I have thyroid desease. I wish we could email and support one another. I am a widow and have 3 other children all with some form of dissability I feel so isolated and alone this desease is the worst you could ever have to deal with in my opinion I wish you all the best! God Bless!

  30. so i just found this site, and i can totally relate to what everyone has been saying. What i cant believe is how my morals went out the window and how messed up i thought everyone else was because they didn’t think my way! I thought about sex all the time, i thought about threesomes, open marriages, swinging….i even went as far as posting ads on craigslist looking for a “boy toy” to play with. I was on Ashley Madison. the thing is ive only went as far as “oral”…and then it was on to the next one. I got bored very easily, and if the man did not play the “game” then id find a new one that peaked my interest. I am 39 and ive had 22,25,27 yr olds….the young ones were the ones i wanted, they made me feel young, a whole other generation i was not a part of but suddenly i was (or i thought so) it made me feel alive again, made me feel sexy. About a month and a half ago i was caught busted (one of many many times) sending a naked picture to my 22 yr old “toy” . i got into a major rage and started throwing everything i could get my hands on. I couldn’t see what the problem was! i went downstairs and grabbed a knife and attempted to stab myself. Needless to say he called the cops and i ended up in the Psych ward for 2 weeks. I got diagnosed with Bipolar and am on Depakote, Zoloft, and Klonopin. I read all these stories and they all sound like me. I cannot believe how out of touch with reality i was in this fantasy world, and i LOVED the feeling. I CRAVED it. I would get MAD if i couldn’t get on the computer and talk with them on AIM, or YAHOO chat. I Had major depression too, especially because my mom passed away last November and about two weeks prior, i had a miscarriage. I dont know how to heal my husbands heart, for i broke it so many times, i have no idea why he stayed with me, but now he understands why, and i now know i will never, ever go back to that stage again. it makes me sick.

  31. I am Bipolar I and have cheated on my husband. He is a wonderful man and we have a great sex life. I had no idea why I was doing it at the time. Honestly, I still have no idea why I did it. I went on an online dating site for married people. It was very easy to find willing partners. I am very attractive and intelligent. The guys I hooked up with should have known it was too good to be true. I am trying to stop now and have closed email accounts and told some of the guys I did not want to see them again. I am now on medication because the multiple affairs showed me how sick I am.

  32. I have been married for 11 years to my wife who I love more than anything who has BP and we have been through alchol and prescription drug abuse to finally a four month affair with two different men at the same time all the while we were have the best sex we had ever had and I thought I had my wife back after several years of depression and treatment for OCD and ADD. I got to met first hand a truely manic person when I discovered one affair and told her I wanted her out and a divorce. I have never trusted anyone more than I trusted my wife and once I found out the truth I also found out everything she had been hiding and secretly living. She crashed and started have 30 to 50 emotional and mood changes in a day. It was exhausting but I wanted to get her help first so I stayed and gave her the only option and that was join therapy with marriage and with her phychatrist. She was diagnosed actually by our marriage cousoler who saw it in our first meeting but it told a couple months to get her to go through the testing for it. Ambilify worked very fast for her she sees her actions as another person, like she was driving and controling someone not her in a fantasy world. Over the past 3 years since then I have heard it all she misses being manic, she misses the excitement, when we go out and she drinks it happens in excess so she can escape, I feel like I can’t let her get out of my sight for very long, she went out drinking with girls and came home manic and angry because I take her fun away. There is so much I haven’t covered that I have been through with my wife but the affairs messed me up the worst. I always told her and myself I would not stand for that but it has been hard to leave specifically because she is ill and at times I feel she is better off with me watching over than me without her. I become a caregiver without her knowing and now I am a mess. I have sleepness nights, I have reoccuring dreams of her manic behaviour and total loss of reality and my emotion. I have wanted to leave for about a year and half now, I look at other women and wonder if I would be happier with someone else. We are so finacially in debit also this has been my main excuse for not leaving but I am getting to the point I dont care. I love her I want her to be safe and happy but I cannot look at my wife like a child this has to end …

  33. I am not married, but I dated someone who was diagnosed with BP this past year. We were together for over a year and what I didn’t know at the time was that he met me when he was in a manic state. He was very attentive, romantic, caring, confident and so sure of himself … it was if there was no one better. He told me he loved me with the first month of dating. I was ecstatic. We had so much in common. What I didn’t know was that he was cheating on me and meeting other women while he was with me. Fortunately for me, he was not a good liar and there were so many holes in his stories. I began to investigate and have my doubts. After couple of month of dating, I checked his texts and realized he had be sexting one of his co-workers. I was crushed. He begged and pleased with me and fell to his knees crying that he would never do it again. That was the beginning of the end. He had as many as 7 girls on the side, some of which he was having sex with, some to just feed his ego. I thought I was different. He shared all his secrets with me, he told me that no one in the world knew him like I did … I believed that … but it wasn’t enough. He was finally diagnosed with BP in Dec. 2010 after a breakdown and rekindling his affair with the woman he was sexting. I confronted him and her and her husband and told them to stop. We went to counseling and all that time he was blaming me for his cheating. I was hurt, manipulated, belittled and even driven to the point of hitting him and keying his car. I was losing my mind. He would pull me in and then tell me that he wanted his space, privacy. I to felt like I need to protect him, keep him away from the sex, the cheating , the lying, but it was actually making me fall deeper and deeper into depression. Today, I am taking medication for the abuse I’ve taken. I don’t trust anyone and don’t know how long it will take to recover. He lies to even one and portrays himself as he would like to be seen by them. He tells his friends things so that they feel sorry for him, he has already met someone else and is now having another relationship, he lies to family, to his Psychiatrist and to me. He is taking the wrong medication (Prozac only) based on the information he tells his psychiatrist. He has told me that he cannot control the sex obsession. He masturbates about 4-5 times a day (home and at work or will go home for work to do so), looks at porn, downloads photos to his phone, goes out to meet women he can have sex with. I’m the only one who knows this … no friends, prob not even his psychiatrist knows this. We have worked for three months trying to get passed this, but he was the one who finally told me he could not have a relationship … he dumped me. After all the support and everything he put me through … I m left to clean up the mess he’s made. I am now on medication and seeing a psychologist to help me get past this trauma. I think what will happen is that he will finally hit rock bottom and accept he is worse off than he really is or he will commit suicide. I have realized that this is out of my control, I did not cause this nor do I deserve it. It’s had when someone lies to you and you think you are in a wonderful relationship only to discover you were dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. His true colors will eventually come out and I hope he reaches out for help when it does. I still love him and I want to see him get better. I pray for him every day. BP is so horrible … I don’t even know what he has to deal with day to day … but from what I’ve read … it’s a prison sentence. Good luck to you all and God Bless those of you who continue to stay and fight for your loved ones.

  34. This BPD is really sad, i just got married last year and just last december my sweetest and most loving and kindest husband had an affair with his 23 yr old coworker. We fought about this last february and we decided to go on marriage counseling first week of march. Before attending the session, he confessed to me that 10 yrs ago he was admitted in an institution for several weeks as he was seeing things and hearing things, he said he was diagnosed Bipolar, and was on Lithium medication. He said he stopped it after he was dimissed and it never recurred. I had no idea at that time what BPD was all about, i knew it was a mental illness but never thought of the symptoms and signs of this nasty illness.Anyway after our first marriage counseling, we got home and he was agitated and couldnt sleep. The following day i thought was the start of us rebuilding our marriage…then he suddenly turned into a different person, went home from work and said he is no longer happy in our marriage, he wants to be single, and that he is packing his stuff and he will spend the weekend at a friend’s house. I found out he was lying and instead he checked into a hotel all weekend with his mistress. He came home sunday, was crying, and was sorry. He then said we should be apart first i should go to my sister in another state first while we think what we will do with our marriage. He said he will be alone and will think too, he promised not to talk to his mistress. This was not true and he was lying again! I found out he brought home the mistress and he really planned all along to get rid of me. He called me 4 days later and said the marriage is really over, and that he will start to pack up all my stuff, and when i come home after 10 days my boxes are ready to go. This is really insane and what a sudden switch of behavior! I cant believe the most loving husband i thought i had is capable of doing this. I looked back and realised he has been downloading lots of porn fotos of women in his computer, his fone he browses porn 24/7, he drinks beer excessively even the moment he wakes up in the morning, he smokes pot everyday too. He also admitted during our marriage session that he has been cheating a lot before and even his gf of 3 years left him because he had an affair with his married coworker. He also attempted to cheat on me twice when we were not married yet, he admitted it and i thought it was just a guy thing to flirt around. I ever thought he has a serious mental disease. Now we are separated as i had no choice, he wanted to throw me out of the house. I had hoped i could take good care of him, help him thru therapy, and get him to the right medication. But he doesnt want me,he is rude and totally no remorse. No feelings at all for me. I cant believe my beloved husband has turned this way. He is now crazy with his young mistress….he just threw away everything we had! I cant believe it upto now. But i am moving on as i realised i could no longer help a person who doesnt want to help himself. He is undergoing weekly psychotherapy but he is not on medication. I pray to God he gets well someday, that is all i can do. I have been heartbroken and cant believe this happened to our marriage. I love my husband with all my heart….i wish i can still see the old husband i married before…not this nasty and cold and rude person.

  35. I married the sweetest most kind woman anyone could ever meet 17 years ago. We had a wonderful mutually loving, caring, and supportive relationship until 2 years ago. One day everything was fine, the next she was telling me she wanted to leave. I tried to get help from our church, the counselors there were great. She just kept changing her mind every week or two about working it out or leaving. Later, she confessed a 4 month long physical affair that started about the same time we started counseling. Her mother had BPD and had been in and out of marriages and hospitals most of her adult life. I do believe there is a genetic link, thankfully her siblings all seem to have been spared the curse of this illness. Shortly after her confession I started reading about BPD and looked back at our lives with shock, as I recognized all the warning signs had been there all along. I was able to talk her into seeking treatment, our GP has her on meds to help control the mood swings and depression. Sadly we cannot afford a psychiatrist since she has been unable to work for the last 2 years. My income is not enough to support us in out current lifestyle, consequently we have been sinking financially. We are trying to get disability for her now, hopefully it will come through and we can get her in to a psychiatrist for regular sessions. She knows she has a problem and has been religious about taking the meds. Stress seems to be a factor leading to her becoming a monster, I seem to be her victim of choice. I was always sure I would divorce if I was ever cheated on, but I use her mental illness to excuse the infidelity this one time. On occasion she still becomes convinced that divorce is the best thing for us, with the usual devastating emotional effect on me. I also know there is no cure, it is a lifetime illness. I don’t want to live this way, nor do I want to break my vow by divorcing her if it can be kept under control. I’m so sorry that anyone else has to go through this too, on either side of the illness. God bless you all.

  36. I have been married for 30 years and my wife was diagnosed bi polar after the birth of our fisrt child. I had no idea about the disorder, she has now had over 6 episodes because she does not take her meds correctly. She had been doing very good but we had several stressful situations that drove it out of control. We had 2 dealths, 1 birth all within 6 months with very close relatives. We have a total of three kids and now with this episode, she says she hates my guts. She has moved out because she don’t like the way I handle her illness. I have allways tried to get her help fast, allthough she does not think she is ill, that is a normal pattern for BPD. What I don’t understand is why it takes longer to get back to normal. We have been in and out of hospitals for 6 months nad still the problem continues. She believes that I’m out to get her and that thier is nothing wrong? I wonder if anyone has had a simular battle, and is there a possibility that she won’t ever be the same. There is a long history in her family, mom sisters, brother, uncles, 1st cousins ect… I can see it’s in the genes for sure. Regardless, it is very painful on the kids, spouses ect… I’m extremely worried that she won’t come back mentally? She has consistantly alterrred her meds after being released for the scythe wards. She is on three different types of meds, the dosage is higher than before however it seems like she is farther away mentally. I would have her go to the hospitals and she hated them, she blames me deeply for not being there for her. She now only see’s the bad in people, it is amazing. I have put it in God’s hands and I know she is an angel. I have made some mistakes in the marriage that I’m sorry for and it’s not really to do with the illness. Some was and other times I developed some bad habits. I think I could have some some triats myself.

  37. I think that life is about choice. You choose to do the right thing or the wrong thing. My husband has chose to hurt me and my kids over and over and over again. As much as I love him. I love my boys and I cannot allow him to hurt them anymore. I have to stand in the gap for them and protect them from this emotional abuse. If I dont I am afraid that I too will turn BP and one day my kids might also. His made his bed. Now he has to lie it it.

  38. They say that love is the greatest thing and can over come all. If this is true, Why cant my husband over come the need to be on constant contact with KiKi?
    Okay Okay… He is BP… Thats no excuse. My hurt is real, My pain is real, Knowing he is BP does not make me feel better. Do I stop living? Do i walk on eggs for the rest of my life?? WHAT ABOUT ME.

  39. I wrote the original post and am now giving up.

    Since the affair, there have been numourous crushes, inappropriate emails and on-line affairs. The latest was a guy she worked with 20 years ago who she reconnected with on facebook. The only reason it did not go further is he is a state away.

    My wife’s constant crushes and falling in love with other men has driven me into depression. The doctors all say it is part of BPD and she cannot change it. I am now to the point where I say, too bad for her. I look forward to a divorce. Getting her out of my life is the only chance I have of ever being happy again.

  40. I’ve been with my husband all my life, we met when we were 15 and there has never been a doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life with him. We were the perfect couple, friends and family all wished they had our relationship, we were so well balanced for each other, laughed at everything, had our own private jokes and were the best friends. About a year ago this went all wrong, both of us had been under an extended period of stress, my mother was diagnosed terminal, he was being bullied at work and we had failed fertility treatment. But we were there for each other, understood each others needs and were there for each other when the other needed a shoulder to cry on. Then last September it all went horribly wrong. Completely out of the blue he announced that he had been seeing our neighbour, 12 years older than him, grandmother and sterile, no job, no money, no career, complete tomboy, alcoholic and later found out was emotionally and physically abusive towards him!! He moved in with her straight away against advise from all his family and friends who were all as astounded as me. He spent about 6 weeks with her then came home making promises of changing, begging my forgiveness, crying, heartbroken at what he had put me through so I accepted him back. Within 2 months I found out he was still seeing her, at this point we had agree a sale on our house andvwere happy with the new house we had chosen, my family were starting to forgive him and we were moving forward. I was totally gutted, hadn’t seen the signs and obviously just choose to believe what I wanted to. Again about 6 weeks later he came back! This time I made him work harder for my forgiveness, didn’t think I could trust him again, slept in different rooms and put any plans of moving forward together on hold. We got there, for 5 months we seemed happy, starting wearing our wedding rings again, family took him back again, went on a lovely holiday together, sex life was back again. She had left next door ( council tenant ) then about 6 weeks ago he told me he can continued to see her but they had now split up. He’s got in about 3 grands worth of debt that I didn’t know about trying to impress her, she had been seeing multiple other people and had admitted that she didn’t love him and was only using him for money!! He’s totally gutted!! He was, Christ what about me!!! Enough was enough and I have obviously filed for divorce, I was feeling strong, ready to move on, put the house on the Market again intending this time on splitting the profits and buying myself a flat. He then made two serious attempts on his life, almost ended up in hospital, is now seeing a team of nurses and a psychiatrist and they have diagnosed him with bi polar. We’ve had numerous talks wEre he has admitted that he has been experiencing hallucinations, irritability, depression and hypomania. His behaviour whilst with her has been totally out of character, inciting fights in bars, drinking alcohol to excess, spending money he didn’t have, the list goes on!! He’s been started on mood stabilisers and antidepressants and is actively suicidal, very needy and experiencing high anxiety levels. I’m just completely confused, my mind is in a fog. All my family And friends hate him, feel that the bi polar is just an excuse for his behaviour towards me. His family feel very similar and are supporting me more than him, nobody seems to have any understanding of the illness. I’ve been reading loads. However I still have no idea where this leaves us?? Does bi polar mean he’s not accountable for his actions?? Has this all been due to the bi polar? What does the future hold?? Either way he is my husband and best friend and I plan on being here to support him the best way I can. Advise please?????

  41. I just found out yesterday my girlfriend has been cheating on me for two weeks. She has long-term severe clinical depression (which she is taking meds for) and BPD, which she is in denial about having, even though her sister and father both have BPD and her mother and brother have serious depression also. We got together because we knew each other in high school, and we weren’t close then but knew each other. She left the state to live with her brother for a year then came back to the small town we lived in and got close. I am one of those guys who used to be the most happy-go-lucky person in the world. She said the moment she fell in love with me was on our third date. We were laying in the grass and I was enjoying myself so much I just started laughing for no reason. She has never been able to feel happiness or real love (she told me this many times) because her family wasn’t able to give her the love and care she deserved as a child, and she said she wanted to be as happy as me, and that I made her happy.

    We dated for about a year and I dealt with her BPD ups and downs fairly easily, even though there was one very bad low where she was near-suicidal, and she often talked about it. We were still living apart, and seeing each other from time to time, but she was always texting and telling me that she missed me and constantly began spending more time with me, and even wrote me a letter that said that I made her the happiest she’d ever been in her whole life. Toward the end of that year together, she finally decided to take action on her depression and the first drug she took (I forget the name) actually worked very well. She wasn’t having highs and lows, was sleeping normally, (she had long-standing sleep depravity also – probably due to BPD) and she was making good, logical choices for her life, including finally going to college and starting to take her life seriously.

    We made a mutual choice to move in together in a larger town where there were more opportunities for us and we were doing so well that I proposed to her. She initially accepted, but then decided to put a hold on that as she decided that her medicine was making her do things that weren’t “normal” to her. (Which, looking back, is because normal for her all her life was living with the ups and downs of BPD.) She got scared and had her DR. take her off the meds and try other antidepressants. None of them worked, and some made things worse and in conjunction with various sleep meds, they finally gave up and prescribed Effexor, which basically acts as a suicide deterrent, as on that, she still experiences manic and depression episodes.

    Her doctor talked to her about looking into bipolar, and though she was open to that idea initially, just like “being normal” scared her, so did the thought of letting a pill control her moods. She refused to give in because she felt like she would not be in control if she could not say no.

    As the past two years went on, after she quit her original meds, she decided that the career she got a degree for was completely intolerable even though it would be far more financially stable than her current job. I was supporting us financially also, but I’ll admit, was terrible with money and terrible with helping around the house. We made an agreement for me to start doing more, so I started giving her the money I earned so she could handle our finances and I worked on fixing my bad habits that had accumulated over years of learning them from my parents just in order to appease her.

    But every time I slipped up, even something as menial as doing the dishes the wrong way, or not scooping a litter box, became the biggest problem in our world. She got jealous of me because I went out of my way to spend time with my other friends whereas she only had one other close friend from high school. We are both writers working on novels and she would get angry at me and go into depressed states because I could write and she couldn’t, and made me feel like it was my fault.

    I didn’t know what each day would be like waking up. Some days she was as normal as me, on a high. When she was on her highs, she’d talk nonstop and tell me I needed to talk more, and when she was on her lows, she’d berate me for talking to her and ask me to leave her alone. Our sex life was okay, but she often got “overwhelmed” afterward and wanted to withdraw from the emotions attached.

    I was trying to be her personal cheerleader every day and everyone who knew me noticed that the life and joys I had before were sucked out of me the minute she was in my presence. I’d cuddle her and hold her when people were around, but she’d clam up. I asked her at least every few days if there was anything I could do to help her be happy, because I hated seeing her depressed and feeling helpless, and all she could come up with was that I wasn’t doing enough to take away her domestic stressors and that because I would slip up and forget or mess up sometimes that I wasn’t “showing her love” even though I said I loved her many times a day, was constantly hugging and kissing her and being affectionate.

    My friends would come over when she was at school and we’d have a ball until she got home. She wouldn’t greet them, and was mostly only civil to them and behind their backs was telling me all the things she found wrong with them.

    And so life went on until about 2 weeks ago. She up and out of the blue told me she was going to go “somewhere” and not tell me where or when she would be home. When I asked why, she told me I didn’t need to know where she was all the time, and that I was being too controlling.

    I had suspicions. There was a coworker of hers who had taken her number off the contact list at work and had been trying to sext her and get her to leave me several months prior. She told me all this at the time because she was annoyed with it and told him she wasn’t interested. He started off explicitly, then went into victim mode, saying he was “having trouble getting girlfriends and he just wanted a friend to help him find out what he was doing wrong.” She avoided him, but I kept this in the back of my mind before. I’d been burned before in a previous relationship, never to the extent that this went, but I knew better to at least keep my eyes open.

    And she wasn’t even good about hiding it. He was calling her constantly, texting her all the time, and I noticed her texting a lot and confronted her (remember, she has only one friend, whom she hardly ever even talks to) and she denied it was anyone in particular and that it was just “a friend.” The fact that she wouldn’t be straightforward with me tipped me off.

    So two nights ago, while she was in the shower, I snuck a look at her phone history and text messages. She was telling that same stalker guy that she loved him and missed him, and he was begging her to come be with him. Not only that – but her sister was texting her and referencing him too!

    I immediately confronted her and she first told me nothing was going on, then that it was “only just us hanging out the past week or so.” I confronted her about the love texts, and she fessed up to everything. She broke down and stared crying and apologizing. I asked her why and she said it was because I don’t make her happy any more, and that he does (aka – he gives her the emotional highs that she drained me of the ability to continue giving her.) She fessed up to sleeping with him also, and that she wasn’t planning on telling me until she was “Sure how she felt” about him. I was so stunned I left to go talk to my father.

    That was Sunday night, and she went to his place while I was out, and I moved out Monday, and took as much as I could that was mine. She texted me and begged me to stay and that we could support each other until we had enough money saved to live separately, but all I had to do was ask what she would have done if I had been the one cheating and she had nothing more to say.

    Once I was out and she came home, we talked again, and she started telling me it was all my fault because I “don’t know how to treat people.” She was at her BPD extreme. It was then I realized I’d been holding back so many things that I’d wanted to tell her over the past three years and I told her that no matter what I could have done, even if I did everything exactly the way she wanted it, she still would not be as happy as she thinks it would make her.

    I told her that she can’t keep self-medicating herself, because all it does is hurt people and drains them of their life. She shut down and told me I was just trying to justify why I was terrible at showing her I loved her. I told her I can’t MAKE her happy, I can only support her and love her and try my best to help her be happy, but ultimately, she has to be the one to take action to fix her illness.

    Today I spent my day straightening out the rest of my life and prioritizing things and taking a long serious look at the entire relationship, and from day one – her obsession with my happiness – to the last day – her obsession with my inability to “make” her happy instead of merely being happy with each other, is perfectly a case of BPD. I knew it for a very long time, from the time that she first denied her doctor the chance to help her.

    She’s been left with tens of thousands of debt (the mortgage, the car lease, her student loans and a couple maxed out credit cards, and no one to support her as, at my inquiry, she admitted that her new man – whom she’s decided to stay with – has his own financial issues and can’t give her one cent.

    Now that she is faced with the reality of her situation, the consequences of not thinking ahead, of lying and cheating, she has been texting me, trying to guilt trip me, telling me all the things she’s having to sell that used to help her manage her depression, just in order to get by.

    I have more closure knowing that it’s due to BPD, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I know it’s not entirely her fault, but instead the result of something being literally wrong with her. The only thing I regret is not trying to help her with BPD when I had the chance. I told her she needs to seek help specifically for BPD, and I hope she does.

    She is still one of my best friends, but I can no longer trust her. BPD-caused or not, there is no justification for what she did, no matter what I did or didn’t do. I told her I hope she finds that true happiness she saw in me what seems like forever ago. That’s all I want for her.

    Thanks everyone for listening. I needed to vent, and I’m glad I’m not alone out there. For those of you with BPD, I hope you make the right decisions in your life and that you let yourself be open to getting help. I wish all of you the best of luck and I hope you all find true happiness too.

  42. have any of you people thought maybe your spouse was using “METH”? THAT’S WHAT 3/4 OF THE STORIES HERE SOUND LIKE TO ME! I think too that using that drug brings it on and stopping the drug doesn’t mean it stops the behavior.I;ve seen ok people start using that drug and slowly roll down hill and some smart enough to quit- ive seen same people years later sober but that are now bipolar.

  43. Hi everyone, I haven’t read through all the posts so I hope I’m not repeating anything. I am a young man, 33 years old, Christian and from South Africa.Three days ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar. Yip I had the bomb dropped on me. at the moment I’m going through a terrible time and all this is still raw for me…i really hope my message helps out in some way.

    I have known for a while that something is wrong. My mother was diagnosed with BP some years ago and I saw traits in me. I suffered panic attacks, depression, manic episodes, mixed episodes…but worst of all I had an affair. not a long on going affair in fact 3 short periods over 2 years. My wife has just found out about three weeks ago…she is my childhood sweetheart and she is DEVASTATED…she has studied psychology so understands what I have but that doesn’t stop the pain.

    I don’t smoke, drink, take drugs but I was sexually abuse when I was child. Anyway I’m waiting to hear if divorce is on the cards and so far my wife says its over. I’m really in the middle of this situation. I was misdiagnosed and my medication made my BP worse..I was told I have emotionally unstable disorder and medicated for that.

    Now you have my history. There is NO excuse for having an affair. but there is an understanding as to why it happened. If your partner is not willing to get treated, GET OUT! the symptoms of BP is hypersexuality, guilt, unable to make sound judgements, loneliness, uncontrolable spending. Your partner needs to be treated by someone who really does know about the disease (sorry that is not a general practitioner) or the problem wont go away.

    What lead to me having the affair was I felt as if I wasnt loved by anyone. when a girl showed me affection I jump at the opportunity to be admired, loved, adored… these are things that fade in a marriage or at least become less noticable. My wife loves me but I cant see it…that is part of BP. its not the sex I was after but rather the affection. I have blamed God, my wife, my illness, my wifes parents, basically everyone who could be blamed, except me.

    Heres my point(finally) I decided to do what I did, Bipolar did not make me do it. But it could have been avoided. I am determined to get myself right and with Gods help I will..If your partner wont stop and wont get treated, you are going to have to pull the plug. for those of you with Bipolar like me, there is hope i know there is. you just have to stand up and admit the problem and work your butt off…the end is freedom.

    God Bless

  44. I was married to someone who is Bipolar I. We are both in our early 50′s, and he was diagnosed in his teens. It took 35 years to find the right combination of meds that finally worked. In the beginning, I read every book or article I could get my hands on. I went to bipolar support groups and counseling with him. During the course of our 8 year relationship, he had at least one affair that I know of, signed up on a singles website, had women from foreign countries sending him pictures, etc. The affair started when we were on married for 3 months. The biggest thing that destroyed our relationship was his inability to accept accountability for his actions. He would say he was sorry once, and then become furious if I wanted to talk about it at any time with him. We are both in a 12 step program as well, and I know that making amends is not just about saying you’re sorry. It’s about living the amends – which includes hearing how much pain the person has caused. I’m not talking about throwing it up in the person’s face often, but there are triggers that will bring the pain up for quite some time, and if that is not talked about, and owned by the person that did it, it’s probably the beginning of the end. Even though his meds are finally right, and have been for 2 years, I don’t know if he will ever be capable of feeling/processing feelings like a normal person. I think that after a lifetime of depression and mania, he is left incapable of being able to do this, and does not have any interest in doing the work necessary that could have probably saved our relationship. I was devastated when I found out about the affair, but was never able to deal with it, with him in a healthy way. After the initial “I’m sorry”, he repeatedly told me to “get over it”, which caused even more pain and damage to our relationship. At this point in time, he believes it’s me, and that he is capable of having a healthy relationship with someone else, and I know he will move on easily and start again. I am still hurt, after spending so much time and energy in helping him with this illness, only to be discarded and blamed. There’s no gratitude or kindness in regard to any of the things that I did for him…including working and supporting him while he went back to school, which is when he started having the affair. Good luck to all of you, and if I am able to give any advise from my experience, it would be to appreciate the time, love, loyalty and devotion that a partner of a BP puts in. If anything is done to hurt them, own it. Not just once, but for as long as it takes. I truly believe if it’s done in a healthy way, it can be forgiven (not forgotten), but it will not need to be continually brought up. I still believe my ex was only sorry that he got caught, and not that he hurt me. He was initially, but that went away pretty quickly. There isn’t enough space or time here for me to write all of the unkind things my ex did during that time, but over the years, they added up, and destroyed even the possibility of saving the relationship. I know I will heal from this, but it will take time. Since he is on disability, I know he will look for someone that will be able to take care of him financially, but has to be attractive as well. He is from Ireland, is very charming, and is very believable. I found out after talking to his ex wife, that a lot of the things that he had told me were very twisted to his advantage. He did basically the same to her, only left her with 2 small children to raise by herself. She’s since met and very nice man that she married, and adopted his 2 children, and has moved on. I’m very happy that it worked out well for her. Even to this day, he has difficulty in remembering the way things really happened, and so I’m sure there will be another gullible woman out there that will be willing to try with him. I realize I have my own issues to deal with, and I’m a bit angry with myself that at age 51, I still have these codependency and abandonment issues to deal with that I’ve been working on for over half of my life. I wish there was a way to speed up the process, but unfortunately there is not. Godspeed to everyone here. Whether you choose to stay and try, or move on, it will probably be difficult, but perhaps if we reach out to each other in places like this, we can start to understand each other a bit better, and maybe hearing the same words from a stranger will touch someone’s heart, and hopefully help in some way.

  45. I apologize for the second comment, but I wanted to respond to Kim’s post. It’s very common for BPs to self medicate – whether with alcohol, pills, weed, etc. It’s more likely that the person was already bipolar, but had been doing that for awhile to deal with it. I’ve been sober for 21 years, and know that in the first year of recovery, many people are misdiagnosed with all kinds of personality disorders, only to find later that it’s because of the drugs or alcohol abuse. A good friend of mine has been sober for 30 years, and runs a treatment center. While we can laugh about it now, when he first got sober, they diagnosed him with antisocial personality disorder, which turned out to be totally not true. It was the affects of the years of drugs and alcohol.

  46. I’m BP as well and could rrlatr to many of these letters. It helps not to feel alone. I think I could benefitrom reading more and even contributing. Thanks
    L

  47. i was married for 18 years to my wife, she was always loving and faithful as far as i know, on velentines day, which was one week before our 18th wedding anniversary, i proposed to her to renes our vows, she accepted but seemed very tired and unemotional, she staed she was tired and needed rest, the next day i went to work as usual and when i came home that night, she was gone, she had left me and our 2 boys, she claimed to her family that i had had an affair and had children secretly with another woman, 3 days later she had a breakdown and had to be hospitalized for 3 weeks, her family refused to listen to my claims of what she was saying as untrue,i wasnt allowed any information as to my wifes condition or what its causes were, when my wife got out of the hospital, she called me and told me that she had met a guy friend in the hospital who had also been in there and wanted a divorce, she told me she didnt love me anymore and wanted out, sot realizing that she may have been having an episode and not knowing that she had been diagnosed with bipolar i gave in, 2 weeks later we were divorced, she gave me full custody of our 2 boys and all gave her part of our home to our boys, she stopped contacting the boys and they didnt hear from her for 2 months, before long i started hearing from friends that she had broken up with the “friend” and was seen with several more guys on a weekly basis, long story short, after 2 months she came back, explained her illness to me and told me she still loved me, she addmitted to me that she had had sex with at least 10 guys while she was away from us, loving her still i forgave her and we tried to move forward,we went to counceling together and she continued taking her meds, after a year of being together i wanted to really make a fresh start of our lives so i addmitted to her that 15 years before i had also had an affair with someone close to her, she accepted my apology and we both commited to starting our relationship over from the begining,flash forward one more year, we seem to be happy,we go on date nights and get along very well, she tells me often she loves me very much and loves being home with me and our sons,our counceling seems to be going very well and then i begin to notice that she seems to be withdrawing emotionally from me, she finally admits that she cant get over the affair i had 15 years before and doesnt feel love for me anymore and wants out of the relationship, she does however still wanna be friends, she called her mother,spoke with her and afterwards asked me to take her to her moms,i did and she called me the next day and told me that her mother is gonna help her get another place to live and she is positive that she wants out and wants to start a new life, its been 2 weeks and i havent spoken to her or seen her, she does call our sons every night for a few minutes, but hasnt asked to see them yet, i feel guilty that maybe she is having a minor episode and i wasnt patient enough to wait it out, but i also feel it might be her true feelings of not being able to get over my affair of 15 years before, i have been faithfull to her fully since that time and only told her about it to clear my concience and to start a new life together clear of any lies,her sleeping with 10 guys in a 2 month period was hard for me to accept,and since we live in a small city im sure she might see some of them around,and she knows where a few of them live, i realize that 2 wrongs dont make a right and that her illness was a huge factor in what she did but it still doesnt make it easy to accept,in the 2 weeks shes been gone she doesnt seem to be repeating her mistakes of 2 years ago yet,i still love her but she seems determined to start a new life and so i have accepted that too much damage has been done to our relationship by both of us and will also start a new life, we are both in our fortys, any opinions of this story please?

  48. Can’t believe what fucking pricks you are!
    How can you talk about leaving a person who is havinbg extramerital affairs due to a psychological disorder? You either take such a condition seriously or you don’t and thus don’t take the affected person serisously either!
    How can you be such fucking sodding farts as to use terms like ‘cheat’?!
    Manic people do not just need more excitement, they need more sex to put it plainly. And no, no matter how good your marital sex life is, it won’t suffice in a manic phase as those periods are all about variety, and all about not resisting your insiticts. Thus, instead of desiring others beside the beloved one, you go ahead and physically unite with them. WHAT’S the fucking big deal?!
    Grow up!

  49. It’s amazing that I seem to accidently come across this blog, but then again I believe there are not accidents as we would like to believe. When I married my husband I didn’t know he was bi-polar until we started having problems within 3 months of our marriage. We sought marriage counseling and went through three counselors within two years. In the beginning, our relationship was a long distance relationship, so I didn’t spend alot of time with his friends and family. And after our divorce, I eventually found out that I was one of many that he was involved with at the same time before our marriage, I was so hurt. And I was embarrased because we lived in his hometown for the duration of our marriage and not only, I didn’t know anyone when I moved to his hometown after marriage but during our marriage he made it impossible for me to make friends with people in the community. My ex-husband attempted to control who and when I could talk to or with anyone, whether it be at the store or at my workplace. I made friends eventually after our divorce, which was a plus because people who knew him like extended family members that we rarely visited with during out marriage and past co-workers, and those who knew of him began to disclose information about him that I wasn’t aware of. It seemed like I didn’t know who I married and during our marriage, it was so bad that somewhere I had allowed him to control my feelings and I began to question who I was.

    And after our divorce, we shared visitation, but he was inconsistant with visitation. I had sole custody but when I had to leave the state for employment purposes, he lied and said that he didn’t about my possible move if I couldn’t find a full time job in his hometown. He is connected with very influential people in the community, which made it difficult to find a job and move on with my life in the same town. He had friends in the local police department who watched me. He drove by my house, which was located on a main street so it was hard to prove that he was stalking me and the local authorities would follow me every other day but this to was hard to prove.

    The judge that heard our case, at one time was employed by the Tribe, where my ex-husband worked at the time. My ex-husband was personal close friends with the Director of the Tribe, who was his and the Judge’s boss at one time, this made it difficult to prove that it was a conflict of interest for the judge to hear our case in county court. It’s a mess and now no local or other attorney will look at my case because a of the series of events that have happen up to this point. I NEED SOME HELP!!! I haven’t seen or heard from my daughter in almost two years. I am not allowed to see or call her.

  50. outraged…..u are a stupid moron…

  51. Screw all of you who don’t have BP and are judging! You have NO idea what it is to live with it daily. You have no idea the guilt and shame that haunt us for our past, present and probably future behaviors (even with meds, theraphy, and exercise) NO IDEA. Enough to cause suicide!

  52. Hi all…it’s so hard reading all the difficulties that everyone has experienced from bp. my son has bp–was dx 6 years ago and it’s been a living hell. he is now 25 and it breaks my heart. add to that…my husband was dx this past december. the months leading up to that had been hell also. he had been on paxil for 12 years believing that he suffered from only depression and anxiety. he is 53 and had his first major bout of depression at 19. he had no manic episodes until this past spring/summer. while on paxil he was hypomanic and would not believe me. we have been married for 26 years, together since we’ve been 24 years old. he lost his job in june of 2010 stating that it was due to the economy. i knew damn well that it was his behavior and attitude. this was our only income due to the fact that i’ve had fibromyalgia for 16 years. we also have two other sons. what a blow to the family. i had been warning him for years about the job, but he never listened. please know that before paxil, he and i were best friends, soul mates forever. he was impossible to live with after he lost his job…things got worse and worse. he finally began a consulting business, but i knew his decision making skills were very skewed and no matter what i said he argued about it. finally after getting physically and verbally abusive with me, he said that he didn’t love me any more and was separating from me. this came out of the blue. next thing he was going to his sister’s home who lives several hours from us. while there, he met a chic 15 years younger than us, and immediately hooked up with her. any time i tried to communicate he was nasty as all hell. i had no idea that he would ever do such a thing because we have been faithful to one another all these years. he was on his best behavior with all friends, family and this chic and i just don’t get how he could be the absolute opposite to me and my sons. after two months he came home because i fell down some stairs and really hurt myself. six months later and the fibro is horrific not to mention the mental torment of knowing that he had an affair and also spend half of his earnings that he made during the year while away. he went into the hospital, put on meds for bipolar 1. is still in an awful depression and cannot seem to move forward. he swears he will never do anything like this again, i feel as though my heart has been torn out. between 16 years of pain from fibro, six years of torment with my son’s bp and now this, i feel ready for a psyche ward. i would appreciate any comments and please someone explain the affair. never, ever would i expect this from him. i am at a loss, feel as though my life will never be the same. he assures me, that he will do whatever it takes not to lose me and my sons. thanks and God bless all of you out there with this awful bp, whether it’s you who have it or a loved one. dorothy

  53. I read through most of the posts. I am/was married to a bipolar wife (Divorce final today) and experienced all the things that go with bipolar (spending, credit card debt, anger, rage, blaming, irrationality, etc). What finally broke the camel’s back was finding out about her 7 month affair to a school teacher, a client of hers. Of course since the 4 months since I found out she tells me and finds ways to indicate it was my fault. I gave this marriage 110% and continuously read and learned about bipolar to deal accordingly. I tried to reconcile with her a month after finding out and on the condition of no contact with her partner. Of course I found out she was still seeing him and enough was enough. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you and of course she is blaming me for irrational reasons why the reconciliation did not work. I guess I should have known because I know she slept with other people while dating and had a history of it and who knows maybe more while we were married. Anyways it was enough with all the history of blaming, meanness, etc. etc. One bit of advice here, if alcohol is involved it negates the effects of the mood stabilizing medications, so make sure alcohol is limited. She was married before and I helped raise her 3 children from that marriage. Not only did I lose her but lost those children, however, I am blessed with a son from our marriage. Today, the day of our divorce, I am hurt and totally miss her and her children; however, I know in time I will heal and probably for the best. All I can say is that I wish I could pick her up and shake that disorder right out of her and have a normal happy life together, but I know that that can not happen.

  54. so how do you handel the hartack of your so called friend now living with your husband . who is suposly bypolar . and she want to call the cops on me. because im up set about it .

  55. I am 35 and my father is BP. I always thought that I was stable and would manage to avoid this terrible desease. I am married to a man that adores me, we have two young children and we are successful. However, two years ago I lost a lot of weight and started running with a faster crowd. I started drinking fairly regularly and looking for excuses to go out with my friends. Since that time, it has only gotten worse. This past March, I started an affair with a man at work.

    Is this all BP coming on or is it just a regular mid-life crisis? Sometimes when I go out with my friends, I do get out of control – blabbing secrets, flirting wiht men, drinking too much but in the rest of my life, I think I am in control. I do have trouble concertrating sometimes but as you can tell, I have a lot going on! Opinions anyone? Is this how it begins?

  56. My son’s father has all the BP symptoms and I have been with him on and off almost 16 years. From my experiences with him, he cheats all the times. In the beginning, I thought I wasn’t good enough for him but this happened to other women that he was with. He left me and my son who has autism in a state that we just moved there because of his new job for a Vermont woman he met in 2009. I knew about all his affairs but I tried to hope he would realize one day and get help to take care of his son. That woman bought an air ticket for him to fly to Vermont where she lives. She is a school nurse and she thinks my son’s father loves her very much. I found out that my son’s father actually was talking to a woman who advertised personal ad on Craiglist, he cheated on her also. My son’s father has been telling different stories to different women about how bad I am trying to control him. During the mania period, he went to gamble his whole paycheck and nobody knows about that. He even risked his jobs by doing something that are going to get him terminated from the jobs couple of times.

  57. I’m reading all the stories and I’m scared to death that I am bipolar. I have had affairs and always wondered why I do it. I have a wonderful husband and great sex life with him. I hated that I have no real remorse as horrible as that sounds. I’m not blaming bipolar disease but I have most of symptoms described here. But it scares me that they are described as emotionless, selfish, no remorse. Please someone tell me that if I am diagnosed, which I know I will be, there is hope. That I won’t be a monster that will keep hurting my husband and family. I want to be normal and be in love with my husband. Please tell me I can be normal and not some heartless monster. I’m actually really scared.

    • Hi, Elsa–

      You can be normal and not some heartless monster. I encourage you to see your doctor, which is the first step on your road to recovery. Achieving “normalcy,” whatever that is, is then pretty basic:

      • Take your medications as prescribed.
      • Establish a regular sleep schedule. (Too little or too much sleep may trigger a mood episode or be a symptom of a developing mood episode.)
      • Don’t do drugs.
      • Drink alcohol in moderation, if at all.
      • Eat a healthy diet.
      • Avoid caffeine, nicotine, and other substances (including over-the-counter medications and energy drinks) that stimulate the brain.
      • Monitor your moods and seek help as soon as you spot the signs of an impending mood episode.

      Therapy can also be very valuable.

  58. I have been diagnosed with bipolar I disorder since I had my first summer mania at the age of 5. I cheat often because I think the man or woman I have the opportunity with is attractive and nothing gets my mania going more than having people desire me because of the beast I am known to be when I am hypersexual.

    I haven’t cheated on all of my exes and here’s why:

    The missing piece to the puzzle on these types of pages is the denial of the other party and the behaviors they exhibit that make the bipolar sufferer crazy. Codependents for example and/or borderline personalities. I have been with people who have one or both of those issues and they seem to be comfortable with the unhealthy dynamic because they thrive on either being the rescuer and martyr or creating drama and pushing buttons so they can be the perpetual victim they are. I have to wonder how many of the non bipolar suffers here are either codependent and/or have a borderline personality because if that is the case, you need to deal with what it is inside of you that allows you to have this “I am angry because I have no boundaries and put controlling someone else ahead of my own needs”. The end of the relationship ends differently though. The codependent validates their “I am a caring person” denial with someone else until they get sick of the hostility and passive aggressive crap. The borderline will scratch their wrists up and pretend to be suicidal and then tell everyone you know that they were “terrified for their life” and being beaten, raped etc. False police reports… the whole nine yards… every codependent I have been with in public will act as if I don’t exist… the borderline ducks down behind people and then retells a long winded dramatic account of things that never happened. Total hate campaigns. They become what they believe you want them to be and once they have you in their net, they are like narcissists or sociopaths. I have restraining orders on all of mine. And if anyone with borderline personality disorder thinks they have any place to get on here and act like a victim of bipolar disorder, our problem comes in waves, your problem is your personality.

    Relationships are a two way street and I never feel bad about cheating on the two types I mentioned about. Some people can’t see the mirror clearly and if you think any normal person will tolerate you control freakish ways and the constant undercurrent of hostility because you are “caring” more for your own self interest, then be prepared for a long life with this experience.

    I am not saying in any way that the horrible lies, cheating and/or up and dumping someone out of the blue for no reason is in any way acceptable but I look at the majority of the types that I attract more often, that constant vibe of expecting to have their feet kissed because they want their denial validated is crap.

    True love and care comes naturally and if I am the crazy one when I realize that when most of those types can’t than have fun with that life.

    • …and trust me, I feel horrible when I cheat on the people that truly are kind and understanding and I have only been with a couple of them in my life. Abuse doesn’t beget abuse, that wasn’t my point but there is another side to the story in many cases.

      • Mattt & Matt Again

        You are still sick, do see professional assistance instead.

  59. I just read every one each of the post here.

    I married my wife last March 2014, I wast prepare of every thing as i am aware of bp, last year she was on her deepest swing and i saw her in her ugliest face and she was sent to mental hospital, she was my gf 20 yrs ago but yet still decided to marry her as i love her so much… I read many stories bout bipolar, i assumed that if my wife is within my radar extramarital wont happen. however a family member of her during her swing sent her out of my custody, last 4 weeks ago she is with her mother and i dont know what she is doing right now, she stopped the meds ayear ago… ok i skipped some story, before she left me, she was accusing me that me and her sister have had a relationship in which she thinks she is very sure without any evidence..she ask 10th of her family to acknowledge that the story in her head is true, no one believed, until one of her older sister take her from me, then i have no control of her right now, i know from the beginning that i can handle her if she is with me, now she is gone, everytime i call her she off her phones.. I am a well organized man, and i know that this is the beginning of the end of our wonderful marriage.

    God bless us especially those bp, they have to open their understanding before ruin any others life, kids, husband/wife and family.

  60. I appreciate all that has been written, I feel as if I have been reading my own life. My fiancé (ex-fiancé is more presently accurate) and partner of three years has been recently diagnosed with BD. This is in addition to his previous diagnosis of PTSD and substance dependency. While I have focused my academics upon mental health, dating BD has been a very painful process. Two weeks ago, one of his darker episodes resulted in me finding him overdosed in the bathroom. That experience alone will haunt me for the rest of my life.Id like to say this was the 1st relapse, but it’s not, he does well for a year or so then falls for a week, repeat. In addition to finding my half-dead fiancé, there have also been the many issues I have heard repeated over and over again on this page (suspected infidility, impulsive and inconsiderate behaviors etc). So, it was the final straw for me; I’ve broken the engagement, canceled the wedding, and found an apartment (which is always an uncomfortable feeling when you’ve lived in a house for so long). I have to admit though, I am still conflicted sometimes. Because I suffer from my own mental issues (substance dependency) and am committed to this professionally, I feel almost hypocritical. My fiancé and I met each other when we were both very young and sick individuals, yet I grew, progressed, maintained my sobriety, and built a great life, and yet, the last two years I’ve watched him suffer or hurt me time and time again. It’s even harder to experience this in line with his cycles. For every two months of repair, peace, and hope there is 3 months of hell. I can’t deny that he has his attributes: successful, funny, romantic, beautiful family… but when these moments hit, he’s deciding to do everything from growing pot to joining sex clubs online ( he continues to claim the were fake; I doubt this). I can’t tell you how disgusted and relived I was to find out that I was STD clean after finding the sites on his phone. It’s like a a different person takes his place, and the cycle begins: he does horribly unsafe and hurtful things, comes out of it, begs forgiveness, gets better, eventually uses drugs because of guilt, gets better agian, then does horrible impulsive behavior all over again and off we go. It’s the lying that hurts more than anything. I can’t trust a single word anymore, and doubt everything that’s ever been said. I don’t believe I know of any long term marriage that has been built on lies, and I highly doubt it’s possible. He is seeking cousneling again, but this time with the suggested medication. I’ve point blank let him know I could never even consider doing this all over again until I am told the truth about everything, but I can’t help but believe that honesty will never be possible. I deserve stability, loyalty, and honesty, and I get so frustrated when he hints at a complete lack of premeditation on being those things when these episodes occur. I have read several posts emphasizing to get out and get out fast, but others who comment on patience and long marriages. I hate to use the word, but is it not completely “insane” to put up with all of this and actually try to build a marriage? It sounds like it defies all common sense to me, but your opinions are appreciated.

  61. I don’t even know for sure if I love my husband anymore. He is generous, intelligent, kind and fairly grounded when he is not manic or depressed. When he is manic, he is insulting, arrogant, narcissistic and he screws everything in sight. He is the living and breathing Dr Jekyll and mr hyde.

    We’ve done it all. Therapy, splitting up, getting back together, AA and alanon, rehabilitation, (which cost a fortune), marital counseling weekends, everything. I mean everything. Fuck him. I understand this is a disease, but it really should be called the “false hope, asshole disease” , because when they are okay, you think it might work, and when it strikes, your right back where you started. Continually lowering your expectations doesn’t help either. At least in my case, he got worse. Anyway, thanks for listening.

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