Bob’s Wife with Bipolar

Posted May 31, 2011

Heartbroken and devastated from ending a marriage with my bipolar wife

I married a woman two years ago, and everything went well for the first six months, then everything went haywire. Before it went haywire she went to the gym and hired a trainer to lose 68 pounds in order to seduce me into marrying her. Well, I ended up marrying her, and I thought I was in heaven. Then, she started spending money frivolously and impulsively to the tune of causing me to file for bankruptcy.

You see, between the two of us we took in over $150,000 per year. She makes $20,000 more per year than me. She would only help pay by paying the minimum because she said if she helps pay the debt too soon I would end up leaving her when the debt was gone. She also taught her daughter to disrespect me in my own home. You see, the 2 of them lived like utter slobs to the point of ruining my house. When I tried to teach her daughter to not get black nail polish on my brand new carpet and leave unfinished food laying all around the house my wife would reprimand me in front of her daughter and tell her that I had a personality disorder. So, now the daughter can do anything she wants in my home. My wife would let her stay up all hours of the night with the TV blaring, go in the refrigerator and eat junk food whenever she wanted, and now the child is obese and looking unhealthy.

My wife also has a severe compulsive gambling problem and Vicodin problem. She always made me feel like crap because she said I was trying to take her gambling and her Vicodin. I told her she can do anything she wants as long as it was done responsibly. She actually said to me, “Could you imagine how much money I’d have if I stopped gambling and the impulsive spending?” I replied, “Yea, then we could start doing things as a family.” Her comeback, “Well you can save for that.” She use to constantly complain about me having a house and credit cards when she doesn’t, “What kind of husband are you if you don’t let your wife use the credit cards?” Well, I did and now I am filing for bankruptcy. I finally told her and her daughter they had to leave. She left, and now she is punishing me.

Here is where the bipolar disorder comes in. When she left she told me with tears that she doesn’t want a divorce. OK, I thought maybe we could try and patch and save the marriage. I helped her move, came over on weekends to help fix things around her new place, took them out to dinner, and bought a bunch of things for her. I would do all these things only to go through her bipolar episodes of constantly reminding me of forcing her to live like she has to now because I told her to leave. One moment she loves me and the next I was a jerk for throwing her love in the gutter.

She makes $90,000.00/yr. and is constantly broke and expects me to bail her out financially like a good husband. I have her and her daughter on my health insurance at the cost of $558 monthly. You see, she gets 200 Vicodin every month on my insurance and would only get 30 Vicodin per month on her insurance. And if she goes on her insurance she is afraid that her HMO Company would see her medical history with the possibility of losing her RN nursing license.

She can be pleasant one moment and at the drop of a hat be screaming at me and putting me down. She is a 24/7 complainer and you never know what will trigger an episode. She does this with her daughter all the time. She keeps her daughter at home, gives her anything she wants, and then screams at her by cursing at her and threatening her daughter that she is going to have her live with her father in VA because her daughter is constantly trying to get her mother’s attention which she hardly gives her.

Her daughter can’t socialize very well, so my wife keeps her at home all alone in the middle of now where during the day and most nights when my wife goes gambling. The child writes on Facebook constantly how crazy her mom is and can’t wait to go to VA for the summer so she can get away from her crazy mom. The child never leaves the house, but leaves only when her mom takes her for junk food or to the restaurant for dinner because her mom has all these ailments and doesn’t want to cook.

I went over her house a couple of weeks ago and went gambling with her because I told her I would, but also told her we should gamble responsibly. Well she lost her money and asked me for money to keep on playing. I gave her twenties up to $100 and told her we should go home because her daughter has to eat. Well, I took them to dinner. While we were eating at the restaurant she had the nerve to ask me to pay her cable bill. I didn’t say a word because I didn’t want to trigger an episode in public. She then told me to hold off because she might work something out. Well I held out and she didn’t say anything further, so I left without giving her any money.

The next week after not answering my phone calls until the following weekend she asked me how does it feels not having a wife answering my phone calls. She screamed and cursed me up and down for not giving her any money. She also said she knows she lost her money gambling, but she doesn’t have a husband to fall back on and bail her out. Meanwhile I hear her daughter in the background say, “Mommy if I had the money I would give it to you, not like your husband.” I then said, “But you make $20,000 a year more than me.” She said, “I knew you would say that so f*** you Bobby,” and hung up. My friend overheard the whole episode and it even shook him up.

I finally had enough of her rollercoaster ride of one minute she loves me to the next abusing and putting me down when all I’m trying to do is help her. I can’t give any more. I would have stopped the world and helped, but if they refuse to see they have a problem and won’t seek help for themselves, then there is nothing we can do. We must now take care of ourselves. Yes I know it hurts, but should we keep taking the abuse and ruin our health? I would have given my wife the world if she could only see her problem and maintain responsibly, but I can’t help her because she doesn’t think she needs it. She told me one time that when she has to retire and doesn’t have anything to be secure she will just end her life. All I wanted was to have a family and do things as a family. Now, I’m extremely heartbroken and devastated.

17 Comments

  1. Wow, oddly enough that is exactly how my bipolar disorder flared to fruition. I’ve had a history of gambling addiction my entire life, inability to save money, impulse spending, for some reason I felt that my girlfriend was lazy and fat. I resented her for not cleaning more often or being in shape. The gambling got terrible, and I was being terrible, so she left. After that I got pretty depressed and had my first real manic episode (spent every single penny that I had and a whole bunch of pennies that I didn’t really have playing super-tilt don’t-give-a-fuck poker) and I’ve been f’d up ever since..;.

    I wonder if certain personality traits like that may indicate certain risk factors for bipolar disorder. Fortunately for me my disorder is relatively minor compared to others. Through super self control I can usually get through manic episodes with no damage done, except for a whole bunch of word vomit.

    Oh yeah. You. Sorry. Your (ex?)wife needs help man. Meds can go a very long way helping her. If she won’t get help then get her some good old fashioned court ordered help. I know in Florida you can get her involuntary admission for a psych eval at least if she’s suicidal and refusing help (especially with a kid involved). And that is no scenario for any child to grow up in. That kid is going to be messed up. You need to step up and help them.

    • Manic Depression is not a disease, it’s a disorder. I live with the disorder and it has ruined every relationship in my life.

  2. I am sorry you had a bad experience (or many), but I would like you to have sensitivity to your wife’s condition (for a start it sounds like you were superficial enough to marry her only for her looks so maybe you should also blame yourself). You also make it sound like people with bipolar are bad or don’t need love like everyone else. She might need to go to hospital and you would get her help if you really cared. She also sounds like possibly misdiagnosed and has BPD instead. Has she had a formal diagnosis or are you defaming her cause you are trapped in a bad marriage?

  3. I FEEL LIKE CRAP. I AGREE THAT PERHAPS YOU NEED TO REALIZE THAT SHE NEEDS HELP. I GET THAT YOU NEED TO VENT… MY FAMILY IS ALSO INCAPABLE OF EMPATHY. HOWEVER, THEY UNDERSTAND THAT MY DISORDER IS UNTREATABLE DUE TO ITS SEVERITY. IM THINKING THAT INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT $…SINCE YOU CANT TAKE IT WITH YOU WHEN YOU DIE…YOU SHOULD BE THE HERO/GODSENT MAN. CONSTANTLY CRITISIZING IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. SHE MIGHT HAVE AN EPISODE & BLOW HER FACE OFF. IM JUST SICK OVER THIS. YOU KNOW THAT HER SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND GAMBLING ISSUE IS BECAUSE SHE NEEDS HELP. MAYBE INSTEAD OF MAKING MATTERS WORSE, YOU COULD RESEARCH OPTIONS SHE HAS THAT WOULD SUIT HER NEEDS. PLEASE GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE. THE ONLY THING SHE CAN BE BLAMED FOR IS NOT TREATING HER OBVIOUS ILLNESS.

  4. KATHERINE…ITS EASY TO TELL SOMEONE THAT THEY SHOULD STOP WORRYING ABOUT MONEY WHEN THE NEED A ROOF OVER THEIR HEAD AND NEED MONEY TO BUY FOOD AND ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE NEED TO LIVE…AS FAR AS GETTING OFF HIS HIGH HORSE IT SEEMS HE IS STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION AND SEEMS CONFUSED AS TO WHAT TO DO….ALSO…NOT ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER ACTIONS WONT HELP HER IN ANYWAY EXCEPT ALLOW HER TO CONTINUE DOING THE WRONG THINGS….WHY DOES IT SEEM THAT THE PERSON WHO STRUGGLES TO DEAL WITH THE BIPOLAR PERSON IS ALWAYS MADE OUT TO BE THE BAD PERSON?

  5. What you can do if your bipolar wife does not want to change, to seek help and do nothing at home but blaming you and others???

  6. My husband is bipolar and is in a manic phase. He was hospitalized for 3 weeks, during which he received ELectro Convulsive Therapy about 6 times. He is on medication which I made sure he’d take. He’s been home for a week, during which he was fine although very sleepy and did not leave the house. Then yesterday, I saw that look on his face, that different man. And by midnight, he was strangling, punching and kicking me. I couldn’t leave the house coz he had the keys and locked the door, couldn’t call for help coz he took my phone and refused to give it back, in fact he deleted the numbers of anyone in close proximity that I could call…my nightmare went on and on as he alternately slapped and punched me and attempted to strangle me…I finally broke free and locked myself in the bathroom. Then he fell asleep and I packed a bag while he snored and sneaked away…I found a spare key and just left. I haven’t been back, and I can’t go back because I think this person will kill me one day. He’ll do it, and just like he says, “I’ll get away with it and blame bipolar”.
    This is someone on MEDICATION. he went to hospital, he got treatment and counseling and he is stone cold sober, no alcohol or drugs.
    He is a psychopath, who uses his illness to manipulate others and is distinctly violent only towards me.
    I am sorry for those of you who have this condition. I really want you to understand this though. For me, and millions of spouses like me, you have NO RIGHT, NO JUSTIFICATION, NOTHING, to destroy the lives of others by being bipolar. You are not the only ones with this condition, but when you do such things to your spouse, we KNOW that its deliberate, its malicious and done with every hateful intent, because other bipolar people don’t do that to their spouses.
    You need to KNOW that through all of this, we love you with everything we’ve got, but we cannot let you go on destroying our lives and that is why we leave you. Because we too, have a right to be alive, to be happy to be at peace and to be safe in our own homes.
    My resolve to leave him will not be swayed by his treatment plan nor even by the progress he makes, because for me it is CLEAR, if I don’t leave on my two legs I will leave in a casket.

    • He look, the situation you discribe is horrible. Nobody not athiast christain or jew need put up with this. I believe that you ought to have peace. If this person is the oposite of peace you get to leave or yhou get to kick him out. Incase of such great unsuccesfull treatment this is it you can bail out.

      I myself have bailed out, my daughter camewith me. my sone wats to join my merry house. However I am not feeling to good myself and, slightly burned out. Get a lawyer and get yo9ur livfe back. kind regards from David and daughter who are doing much better without bi polar mum

  7. Heartbroken and devastated from ending a marriage with my bipolar wife.

    Going through this right now, I have gotten to a point, because of two kids involved 14 and 18 that have endured way more than anyone should.
    You may love this person as I love my wife with all my heart and soul, but do you love them to the point of letting go? Ask yourself this, do I help enable them, or let them go on to discover what they need to find out on their own.

    You cannot fix them, as I cannot fix my wife. She is my world and I had to find the strength and love to let them be with others, to let go and let them grow and learn about themselves. I will always love her, but I must move on to save her and my family.
    If she came back, this is where it gets tough. I would not let her back in, despite how much I love her. Until she can prove she is medicated and seeing a doctor(s) regularly. But this rarely happens.
    If you love them let them go..it is highest form of love you can show them.

    Good luck it isnt easy I know I am in it right now.

  8. My wife is bipolar as well. It is not easy. My kids are 5 & 6 and I worry about them being with her. When I am gone overnight I always take them to my parents house to stay. My wife takes her meds but every so often she gets explosive. Its hard to be compassionate. the only thing that gets me through is the understanding that she does not mean everything she says. I have called the police more than once. She has nearly run me down in the car, hit, scratched, threatened, etc…It’s not easy to let her stay with us and even harder to love her through this. As many have mentioned, she also has trouble managing money and has alcohol and marijuana addictions. This past January I finally opened my own bank account. I knew there would be a fight about that, but came to the conclusion that my kids were worth it and quite frankly, as the man of the house, it was my duty to get things under control. It was the right decision and has really made a difference. My wife and I have been in counseling pretty much since we got married almost 8 years ago. I think it helps. Ultimately I am committed to her and feel that leaving her would be abandonement. I teach my children about her disease as situations arise and leave it in God’s hands. I sought out a blog tonite in search of others going through what I am going through and have added a little of my own story although there is much more to tell. If others happen across this post I hope to offer you some hope and advice.
    Don’t make empty threats.
    Don’t say you are leaving unless you are leaving. If you say you are calling the police, call them. I was always reluctant to do this, but I will do it now in a heartbeat. Incidently, the need to do it has decreased since I called them the first time. Keep your children and yourself safe. It isn’t easy, but these folks need caretakers. You are a special person for dealing with what you have to deal with. Not everyone can do what you are doing.

  9. Dear Bob,

    I just want to thank you for giving your testimony. I was married 2 1/2 years ago for 8 years to a bipolar and ocd wife. I completly understand where you say “extremely heartbroken and devastate”. To add insult to injury, I come from a dysfuntional family. Anyway, I just want to let you know that the pain your are filling will subside with time. The hardest thing for you will be to try and not meditate or rationalize any of your traumantic experiences. Bottomline is, ITS MESSED UP, and there is no explanation. My prayer goes out to you bro. Bless U.

  10. I noticed several comments posted calling another person who commented names. I deleted these comments. I realize that this issue is highly charged with emotion, but attacking someone personally doesn’t enlighten anyone and distracts from the topic being discussed. It also makes the name-caller look bad. Please try to keep the discussion civil.

  11. No body can judge from outside how a husband feels living with a bipolar wife. You come back from work always wondering what mood your wife is in, the erratic venting, verbal abuse, anger, self pity , then tears and love, then back to anger and how incapable a husband you are for not supporting . Worst is that incase it’s a wife living with a bipolar husband, the sympathies are with the woman, while for a husband living with a bipolar wife, it’s for the husbands to be more supportive and understanding.

    Come try living in our shoes where you are afraid to go to your own home after work!

  12. god find a new wife and id make her suffer right back as long as she knows its going to happen or she could think why is this happening to me? be careful she has power and i mean it Ive seen this kind of thing before.

  13. Hi bob i really enjoyed reading your story im really touched by your story. As a result, im a young lady that has a guy will not anymore but he has issues, every couple of days everything is cool and then he acts stupid i just decided enough is enough i cant do it i want to be happy i want to find true love and i cant sticking to this idiot im 25 and its time for a change. Sometimes things are not meant to be ! God bless and i wish you the best

  14. Hi Bob. Thank you for sharing your story. I’d like to tell a bit of mine. I am a bipolar wife!! My husband suffers greatly because of my illness. I am absolutely astonished at these people saying that you need to care more, and do more for her. I know this is an old blog, but I hope this reaches you, and the other selfish people who think everyone should do more for them. I have been hospitalised a few times. I do not gamble, take drugs or drink. Though I used to suffer greatly from alcohol dependency. I am terrible with managing my money when I am unwell. For this reason I support myself, my investment property and my own endeavours. Where my husband takes care of the family home needs. Occasionally he has to help me out, & a year after we got together he bailed me out of $30 000 debt which I was more than happy to go bankrupt for, rather than have him involved. He wanted to help, & I’m extremely grateful. Since then, I have gone back to full time work, am carrying our first child, and have almost paid off our new family car in less than a year. Being off my medication to conceive has been the hardest thing for me. I have suffered with this illness in one form or another since I was a child with depressive tendencies. To finally have a medication that helps me is a huge relief. But I decided to go without for the better chance of our unborn child. I have made threats to burn down the house, I threaten to leave him almost every month, and have a fantasy where everything is planned and perfect in my own house, I convince myself he is going to harm me, and tell my friends, family & doctors that he is violent when it is me who is smashing the house apart, and telling him that I wish he wasn’t the father or our child. I never wanted any of this. And I regularly question my diagnosis but that is a part of my illness. I love my husband. I love our child which is on it’s way. I have done group therapy, individual counselling & I’m managing ok. My coping skills are getting my through the day by day but my poor husband is suffering the worst of my moods. Bob you deserve to be happy. Being bipolar or with someone who is bipolar does not mean allowing excuses. In fact it is the opposite of that. I don’t believe when people say that their illness “is too severe to be treated”. That is nonsense. It just requires a lot of work, consistency and accountability which many people have never had to do to that level. I certainly haven’t had to work so hard for anything ever before, and I struggle to manage my illness because I am not very consistent with my effort. I’m afraid your wife wasn’t doing that, she needs to address her co-illnesses such as gambling, and then work on the real problems. That is what all of my doctors have said to me in my years of treatment. And that is why I no longer drink. It has been sometime since your original blog Bob, so I hope this finds you well and happy, and I hope that your wife and her child are also doing much better.

  15. Wow just read quite a few comments
    I am a divorced bi-polar female
    My journey started over 20years ago.
    I was 1st diagnosed with depression then after 3 months in hospital I then was re-diagnosed with PTSD and Bi-Polar. It took over 2 years to get my meds right. I drowned my sorrows with alcohol and became dependent Manic episodes consisted of spend spend spend
    Over the top ideas/ thoughts of conquering the world/lots of really horrible thoughts and the things that I did ????
    My children and ex husband went thru a lot of “crap” that at the time I didn’t understand
    I would wake up in hospital being told I had tried to end my life….get released from hospital and come home as if nothing happened??? then spiral into a major depression once it finally hit me (what I had done) all good for a couple of weeks then the cycle would start again.
    This went on for years. I don’t blame my ex for divorcing me.
    I moved away to the city so I could get the help that I needed (we lived in the country- every time I had a major episode they would fly me to the city for treatment)
    My children stayed with their dad and came to me during the school holidays. We had a “mum alert” my son could tell when I was going to have an episode so he would call my cousin down the road for help if needed.
    Through therapy/meds over the years I have learnt A LOT on how to manage/realize my triggers. It’s really weird I would take in little bits at each session and then after the same sessions over and over again it would click! My psych would right down the session if I started to disconnect (disassociate)
    Also my body would start shaking inside “manic” (when I start to feel this I stay home) pretty much shut down to protect myself and everyone I Love.
    Fast forward to today, I have the tools and knowledge to help keep me stable/safe
    The downside, I hardly socialize. I just take everyday as it comes.
    The goodside!
    My children moved to the city 3 years ago!!! Sooo I see them all of the time and share custody with my ex
    My boss is amazing! I work as a casual and average 48hrs per month. Have not had a day off in 3 years 😊 I would put that down to therapy/meds and FINaLLY realizing full time work is just too much for me.
    My children keep me busy during the week which is great!
    We have talked a lot about my illness and their feelings towards me when “mum was sick” We have written letters to each other and that was an heartbreaking experience. Lots of tears as we read our letters in front of each other. It made us sooo much closer!

    I have not drunk excessively for years!!! An actual fact hardly drink at all😊
    It took me years to realize alcohol and meds do not mix!!! Funny how people keep telling you to stop drinking then one day it just “clicked”
    I also have 2 beautiful dogs that I walk everyday to help with the free endorphins, plus they get me out!!!!

    I would have a chat to your local GP regarding your ex wife’s behavior and ask for help/guidance etc.
    Does your ex wife have any family or close friends? I won’t be surprised with your answer as some people are lucky to have support and some none
    If she does can you talk to them?
    The pills that she is on is her deal not yours. You should not be paying for them on your insurance
    You said that she’s worried she might be found out by her work? Well maybe she will finally realize she needs help and gets the treatment/therapy to move forward in a positive way.
    My affirmation is
    “You Must Love Yourself
    Before You Love Another”
    In this case it’s her daughter!!!
    It’s a bloody long road (I know!!!)
    Thank you everyone for sharing your stories

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