Posted on October 24, 2011
My name is Casey
I am 17 years old, and I suffer from bipolar disorder.
As a child I was prone to mood swings. I was hyperactive and my mum often had me tested for ADHD and then I was hit by a depression at 12 and I couldn’t get out of bed, gained weight, withdrew, etc. I would have months of depression and then finally feel better.
I was first diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression anxiety. As I hit 15, during my biggest episodes I would run away for no reason without knowing where to go. I was delusional and turned to drugs. I gave my family hell. Often my mum would be crying, wanting to take me to a mental institute, stating that I wasn’t her Casey anymore. But she got me help, and I resisted. I had every sort of therapist you can imagine. It took me a very long time to talk to them, and when I did they would cry. I hated that.
When I finally moved out on my own and was suddenly so depressed that I went on meds for the first time, and experienced a switch [to mania]. That was the proof my ego needed. I started seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me, put me on Seroquel, and just kept upping the dose, I am on the strongest dose possible, and I have no control still.
My mum is always looking for another answer. She can’t deal with me having a mental illness and my boyfriend fears me because of it. It gets to me, because I don’t want to ruin what I have again because if bipolar disorder.
I just think of my mum crying. My mania is aggression. I will be psychologically emotionally and verbally violent, as if I have no conscience. I talk to myself and hallucinate, but my paranoia is so high that I don’t allow my family to see. I live with my family, but I need their support not their fear.