Chris Summa

April 4, 2010

It took a lot of years to stop denying that I have this disorder. But after looking back at the path of destruction it has left in my life … there is no more doubt in my sick mind. I just blew yet another relationship that could have been beautiful but my mania just wouldn’t have it.

I need help and when I sought it before I was turned away due to insurance or the waiting list was full. I have been on a broad spectrum of meds, but they were anti-depressants. Some helped a little but never could get me above board. I just want to behappy for once. I still entertain ideas of suicide and it’s frightening. I want help and it’s so bad I don’t know what to do about it. Self medicated for years with alcohol and it only made things worse. Especially in my life. Someone help me please….

4 Comments

  1. I can totally relate to your story. I get destructive in my relationships when I’m hypomanic and totally withdrawn while I’m in my depressive episode (my long standing current state). I’ve had thoughts of suicide and I don’t think I really want to kill myself, but I have these flashing thoughts of a violent, graphic death.

  2. It sounds like you may need an additional med which should most likely be a mood stabilizer in addition to the anti-depressant. Sometimes having only an anti-depressant may be throwing you off and making it impossible to stabilize when in your manic state. What have you done to destroy your relationships? Do you have insurance now? Are you seeing a psychiatrist? It sounds like you really need to be under the care of a doctor.
    I have also self medicated throughout the years pushing myself over into the realm of addiction. Not only do I have bipolar disorder, but I’m also an addict from all of the self medicating. I had no idea why I was using and drinking for many years. To this day, I still struggle with staying clean and now I can see that I’m only trying to balance myself out by doing something to get me up and going.
    You’re not alone there are many of us out here that are still unbalanced and struggling in the up or down state of mind. At times I feel that I’m slipping away and it scares me so badly. Why am I losing my mind, I’m scared and am holding onto tiny strands of what was myself.

  3. Dear Chris, You can read what I wrote to Kathleen, someone else on this blog. It describes my experience as one that is married to someone who is a manic depressive, and how God has helped us get through this.

    Don’t give up. God can comfort and encourage you.

  4. Dear Chris,
    I live with this disorder every single rotten day of my life. I get into counseling and on the right meds then I think I am doing oh so much better and go off my meds. Well where does that put me? Yep you got it, right back where I was in the first place. The doctor has had me on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants for years. It’s the mood stabilizer and the sleeping meds that I always quit taking and with this disease you just can’t do that.
    I have self medicated myself right into a horrible addiction to meth. Thank God I have been clean off that for 4 years now. This disease seems like it’s going to destroy my life. It controls every aspect of my life. I don’t have control any more and I am lost. I beg for help but no one knows what to do to help me other than prescribe another pill.
    I think about suicide daily. Very graphic thoughts take over my mind and render me unable to function. I then have to hide in my home to avoid someone noticing that I am slipping into the abyss of crazy land. Why me? Why is this the life that God has chosen for me. I have 6 grand kids that love me so much and all I want to do is to be able to play with them and hang out with them and I can’t because I might have an episode. I am constantly manic or depressed and I hate it. I fear that the self loathing will send me over the edge and I won’t be able to come back.
    I have already had 2 nervous break downs that have impaired my ability to function properly. I can’t work any longer because I can’t hardly be around people. What can I do? Where can I go for help?

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