I have managed to drive everyone I love away from me with my illness. It doesn’t seem to matter that I didn’t choose to be this way. I am feeling desperate and alone and like a sinking ship right now. I’ve been reduced to begging and pleading with my husband for his support, but now he says that he just doesn’t know what he wants right now, and he wants to be left alone, and he avoids me as best he can. I would give anything for a human touch, a hug, anything….


  1. Dear Christina, You can read what I wrote to Kathleen, someone else on this blog. It describes my experience as one that is married to someone who is a manic depressive, and how God has helped us get through this.

    Don’t give up. God can touch his heart. And God can comfort and encourage you.

  2. My BPD drove my siblings completely away from me. We were so close as children and now they won’t even speak to me if we are in the same room. It has been devastating. I am only now just getting to the point where instead of agonizing over it, which can depress me, to accepting it as best I can. Every once in a while I will focus on it, but that doesn’t help – you can’t make others do or feel what you want them to. Trust me, I know it is very hard to accept, and for years I refused to. But now we are all passed or near 30, so I am working hard to accept this and move on/passed it.

    When the Drs were playing around with me and my medicine (even ECT) like I was a science experiment I said things and did things that hurt or scared them. Even though I do not remember anything from that period and have spent the last 10 years being upset that they hold the behaviors I could not control and do not even remember, the fact is they do, and that is just how it is.

    My parents are frankly the most wonderful people on earth. They are in a difficult position in that they have to walk a tight rope around each of their children, they managed to do it. For years my mother has been telling me that I have such trouble because even though I know I have BDP I really don’t accept it. I need to accept my life for what it is, accept that because of my illness I have limitations etc, just accept myself. It was a long road getting to the beginning of this point (where I am at now) and in no way easy, but she was right (as usual).

    They help me when I need it, but will practice tough love when needed (i.e. they will freeze my accounts when I get manic and want to spend money, money, money).

    Wanting a human touch is not wrong. Even though I truly enjoy my alone time, I also need some human contact. There are support groups where you can find some wonderful people who can help you – just be careful not to fall into an enabling relationship or friendship – in the end it will do neither of you any good.

    Also, try volunteering. I thought about what I am really passionate about – what group of society I felt the need to support. Since I do not have extra money to give, I certainly have extra time. Maybe start slow, just a few hours a week and see how it goes. I will share my personal experience – I love it! Every time I leave a volunteer shift, I don’t feel tired, I feel wonderful and happy! It has helped me so much, it gets me out of the house and lifts my spirits. In addition, the people I help are so very grateful for the assistance we provide, and my co-volunteers are wonderful people.

    Lastly, I got myself a dog and she has made my life at home so much better! I can’t stay in bed for days on end or leave the house for long periods during my manic episodes because I have to get home to walk her, feed her, or play with her. She also wakes me when I have a nightmare and lays on me to provide comfort.

  3. I was wondering if you could add me to your pages and stories section. Life as I see is my bipolar blog. I would like to share my stories with others in a hope to help them understand and cope with bipolar disorder.

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