September 12, 2007
My wife is Seasonally Bipolar and has hypo-thyroidism. Before I met her, unbeknown to me, her prior relationships all began in the summer and ended in the winter. I proposed to her in the summer but, when fall came, I was “postponing” the wedding a few times.
She was then diagnosed with depression, took an SSRI at noon, didn’t tell me and by 5:00 p.m. that same day was wonderful (hypomanic) though she did tell me that she saw herself as “dressed in white, illuminated, almost Holy.”
Our relationship began to struggle incredibly each winter and each year was a little worse. One winter, my Sunday-school wife thought a cop and a Hotel guard wanted to rape her, so she defended herself aka taking a swing at them.
Over the last 7 winters, there was only one winter where there wasn’t a problem, and that’s when she was on Zoloft.
I thing what happened is that because a woman’s depressed episode comes first, that my wife’s manic episodes were as intense as the preceding depressed episode such that the Zoloft did help.
Anyway, to make a long story short, this winter, I disagreed with her over eggs and the way she saw it, I attacked her (aka persecutory delusion – I was perceived persecutor #8, all of which follow a general theme of her consuming alcohol, then a man attacks her that somehow has to do with sex) and she called 911. The cop says, “I don’t think there should be an arrest but, the mandatory arrest law requires that I arrest someone and although there’s no sign of an attack or threat, she says she’s scared and that’s enough to warrant the arrest.
I am now charged with domestic abuse.
If found guilty my name will go on a list of potentially violent people to be tracked.
By trade, I am a children’s self-defense instructor.
My wife was coached by a crisis center on how to get a four year restraining order against me making it illegal for me to contact her but, she has repeatedly ask me to contact her. This was very hard on me.
She got an attack lawyer and filed for divorce. Her attorney advised her to not sign our bank renewal papers and now our business and six generation farm are now both in foreclosure.
She talks with my family, telling them how I attacked her.
It turns out her mom is bipolar and knew that it was genetic and never told any of her kids.
At one point, I was stressing over suicidal thoughts and the 911 call and preparing for the divorce temporary hearing so I went to the courthouse public records where I stumbled upon documents that my wife also accused every man that she has had a significant relationship with of domestic abuse, and her first husband did kill himself.
I lost 25 pounds in 31 days, couldn’t sleep or eat, had severe dizzy spells, couldn’t talk and had developed a stress induced tic when I went to my doctor with FMLA papers in hand saying “Dr., I have a coping disorder.” The doctor listened to my reasons and said “Your wife is obviously bipolar.”
I am controlling with good intentions, the kind of guy who would make the mistake of trying to “make” someone happy, instead of understanding that only they can make themselves happy, all I can do is help. This type of personality is flawed by thinking the end results are more connected to my actions than they are. This is not a good match for a bipolar spouse.
I’m still so confused.
Man’s law says it’s a felony if I contact her but, God’s law says that I am responsible to her, as a husband, through sickness and in health, and God’s law trumps man’s law but, I don’t think God wants me to go to jail either.
Through my lenses, I see her like being possessed. Like part of her is pleading to me
“PLEASE HELP ME!” and the other part is saying “F–K YOU!”
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
The Divorce will be done soon.
I’m doing a little better each day but, the tic seems permanent.
It really hurts to hear our friends comment about how I “attacked my wife”.
How does a guy move on?
My sympathy to those of you who share my pain. I wish I had more answers.
Here’s the closest thing to an answer that I can provide:
When I brought my FMLA papers to my doctor, because I had lost my ability to talk, I wrote a poem to communicate with my doctor called “Fighting THE PERFECT ADVERSARY – A true story” in which the last paragraph goes something like this: Yes, though he (bipolar) may have taken the very jewel of my heart, and the majority of my family of whom I held most dear, and though he has brought me face to face with my own death, more than once, he has not killed me and I have discovered his identity and I will now fight him with the only tool that I know to work against him – education.
Confused Husband (about his responsibilities to his wife)
(If she is in a state of being accountable, then I think she has broken the marriage covenant but, if she is not in a state of being accountable for her actions, then I think the marriage remains intact. The question then becomes “How to discern through this question?”)