Posted February 4, 2012
I would like to share my story. I hope it helps others.
I have Bipolar Disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 15 years old. I am now 28. I am not going to lie, living with Bipolar is pretty hard and it gets really lonely. I have three children and I think my middle child who is 9, is also starting to show signs of Bipolar.
I am incapable of holding a relationship with men. I loved once with every fiber of my being, and it is something I never want to encounter again. It can be pretty scary loving someone that much and being bipolar. I had no control over my emotions. When I loved I loved with everything I had in me, but when it was bad, I was something I never wanted to see again. I loved this man more than I loved myself. In my world there was just him and I. But I was always happy one minute and the next minute I was telling him I didn’t love him and this was often.
I would try and figure out why I loved him even though my memories would remind me that I did. I would be offended when he would not focus attention on me and that would put me in a sad state. Truth be told I pushed him away. I would break up with him and take him back so many times. My mind knew we were not healthy but something wouldn’t allow me to let go. I think he was bipolar as well.
When we broke up for good it was the scariest moment in my life. I began cutting myself, I had painful panic attacks where it felt like my heart would explode. I even turned to drugs to try and ease the pain of being separated by this man. Since feeling this I have kept my distance in relationships. I can love but then I find myself bored and looking at other opportunities. It seems the only love I can express is the love for my children. I still haven’t figured out how I can love my babies so much and how it remains so healthy, but with a man I cannot achieve these kinds of emotions.
In my present life, I am a single mom of 3. I am currently in the middle of a divorce with the father of my first two children. 5 months ago I asked the father of my third child, whom I have been in a relationship with for 6 years, to move out, and although we are still dating I prefer not to live with him. My children and I are living with my parents.
Outside of love, I have trouble with work. I have not told any of my employers of my medical history. I find I cannot hold a job longer than a year. I held a job once for 3 years but I think he kept me around because of what he was paying me lol. Socially I tend to get along with everyone. I am very loyal, and very empathetic towards people and it tends to keep people around. However I tend to always keep the wrong people around. I am very sensitive and with that I allow others to walk all over me. So the people who should be removed from my life tend to stick around longer than the ones who are good for me.
When I am in a manic state I pull away from the ones who love me, which in return offends people. I have tried to explain how hard it is for me to reach out for help because I don’t want it. I kind of like to just stay to myself and wait till the storm blows over and then I will call you when I am up to par lol.
I had seen someone mention once people with bipolar can be very creative people. I can see myself fall into that category. I went to school for cosmetology. I am always told what an amazing talent I have. To me hair is my release. When I am in a manic state, no matter how bad it is, I start doing hair and I get lost in it and all my emotions become balanced for the moment. I had a therapist tell me once to find that relief to help you relax enough to get through an episode. I found a few things to work and fortunate enough for me, one of the things I found I can make a living off of.
As you can see with this, writing is my other release, and believe it or not so is my children. You would think they would be my number one stress but it’s actually quite the opposite. They give me so much love and attention that it helps me get through those really hard days. I think it’s important for someone with Bipolar to find things to help them in time of need.
I do have to mention the worst thing you can do is self-medicate yourself. I’m sorry but it does not work. You actually feel twice as bad when the high goes away. In my teen years I attempted this and always found myself falling deeper into my depression. You have to find healthier outlets and when you see yourself starting to get better well keep it up. Just because you think you’re cured at times you’re not. It was told to me once that taking your medication, seeking therapy, or continuing your healthy release is as important as taking heart medication. You need it to live.