Posted March 3, 2014

I’ve been battling this illness my whole life. I was tested 8 years ago but did nothing about it. I’ve been on Prozac and Wellbutrin for over 10 years. I just came clean to my fiancé about my feelings and behaviors The last 3 years were the worst. I couldn’t get off the couch, didn’t want to be around anyone or do anything. My house and work have been in chaos. Always messy and nothing finished 100 percent. I get highs from lavish spending and sexual encounters — even just looking. I called a suicide hotline last night. I feel like my life is over and that this illness is a scapegoat for being a bad person. At times I felt like I was invincible so my actions didn’t matter. No matter what, I’m done lying, hiding, and pushing my loved ones away. I always hoped I would have a fatal heart attack or something and I pushed myself towards that and even joked about it. I want to live a long healthy life, but not like this. I would rather be dead than feel like this