Posted August 14, 2009
From the void of fulfillment felt despite days of sleeplessness crammed with continuous activity comes the predictable Self loathing, Rage and Paranoia that assures me I can trust no one.
To waking up in the morning with choking crying jags and the sudden panic of my futile existence and knowing this evil will never leave me alone is pain and fear personified. Suicide is the only comforting thought as I ponder how much of my insulin I would need and how long it would take.
Relative stability is usually characterized by the return of rational thought coupled with ultimate confusion, trying to understand how the rational person I pride myself to be bears no resemblance to the vacant, self absorbed, emotional wreckage that behaves in ways I deeply disagree with. Also trying to figure out which is the real me, all of it? Or am I just a series of episodes? Of which I have no control. I don’t trust myself to hope and have learned not to falsely attribute things as a cure to permanent stability – less disappointing.
The worst part for me by a long shot is returning to some sort of normality with the knowledge that I have again metaphorically spat in the face of the woman I love, who loves me, only she shows it with her unwavering patience, understanding and practical help. The woman so perfect for me describing her as my ideal woman discredits her as she also possesses qualities I had never seen before so did not aspire to. So emotionally intelligent and physically stunning she blows my mind! Confident and powerful. She gives me unlimited practical and emotional support when I am ill.
Half of the time is electric when I reciprocate as her loving partner we laugh and joke together, show lots of affection and intimacy sexual and non and can talk about anything.
The other half of the time I withdraw from her completely, react to her usual joking as attacks, innocent conversations with distrust, I’m jealous of people in her life I am otherwise genuinely happy she has, I see practical help as meddling, am dogmatic in sex, unaffectionate, completely self absorbed, offer no support with whatever is going on in her life, just add to the stress she is already holding.
I cannot understand why I am doing this! It defies my own logic. In these moments I am adamant about my justification and any attempt to convince me otherwise is an attempt to discredit me. Within a couple of hours to days it slowly dawns on me that I was actually ranting and raving like a lunatic with no valid point, but it’s too late, the damage is done. I can apologize and she may understand but I still teach her every time to mistrust me. She worries I will go in to this space and never come back and I worry that she will leave me understandably needing more than I can give.