October 5, 2008
I have been struggling for almost two years and have been in denial. I tend to self diagnose and have now made the decision to seek professional help. In the beginning, I thought I was going through a midlife crisis, but it soon became clear that something more sinister was going on. I began seeking out strangers for sex, although I am married and have been for 18 years. I started driving recklessly, listening to loud music, spending money on expensive clothes, purses, etc…. stopping at the casino on a whim, feeling as the whole world was watching me, and thinking how wonderful I was. I needed very little sleep, and even when I would lie down, my mind would race from one thought to the next, constantly thinking about what my life could be if I were set free….
I was like a wild animal that had been released from its cage. I started suggesting to my husband that we start having group sex. My alcohol intake increased dramatically. I would secretly have online relationships with men. I also kept trying to figure out what I could do – I had so much energy, so my ideas went from going back to college to getting a job to joining a volunteer group to writing a novel, but I could never actually follow through with any of my ideas. I also would have thoughts that I was actually someone else, someone important, famous, etc….
This all lasted for about eight months, then I crashed – went into a depression after my husband caught me kissing another man. It all went tumbling down, and I so missed the feeling of grandeur that I had been experiencing for quite some time. The severe depression lasted about 2 months, and now I have been in a mixed state, with my moods swinging from one extreme to the other in a matter of hours. Wow, I don’t like this it all. For example, on the Thursday I was down in the morning, then something got me going and I wanted to “party” but that was quickly shattered when my husband started to lecture me and I became withdrawn, but the next morning I jumped up, got all dressed up and insisted we go to the casino, that I felt lucky. He was reluctant to go but knew he better or else I would loose a bunch of money and end up drinking and driving or worse – end up having sex with a stranger.
I am not sure how much longer I will go before seeking help. I think if I spent more time in a depressed state that I would have already gone to a doctor but the highs feel so good and they are quite frequent and I am addicted to them.
Everything I have written is just a fraction of the bizarreness that had been going inside of me. I just wish it would stop. Yes I know I need help, but I don’t want to walk around doped on lithium for the rest of my life, so I am fighting this awful thing but unfortunately I am not winning.