October 5, 2008

I have been struggling for almost two years and have been in denial. I tend to self diagnose and have now made the decision to seek professional help. In the beginning, I thought I was going through a midlife crisis, but it soon became clear that something more sinister was going on. I began seeking out strangers for sex, although I am married and have been for 18 years. I started driving recklessly, listening to loud music, spending money on expensive clothes, purses, etc…. stopping at the casino on a whim, feeling as the whole world was watching me, and thinking how wonderful I was. I needed very little sleep, and even when I would lie down, my mind would race from one thought to the next, constantly thinking about what my life could be if I were set free….

I was like a wild animal that had been released from its cage. I started suggesting to my husband that we start having group sex. My alcohol intake increased dramatically. I would secretly have online relationships with men. I also kept trying to figure out what I could do – I had so much energy, so my ideas went from going back to college to getting a job to joining a volunteer group to writing a novel, but I could never actually follow through with any of my ideas. I also would have thoughts that I was actually someone else, someone important, famous, etc….

This all lasted for about eight months, then I crashed – went into a depression after my husband caught me kissing another man. It all went tumbling down, and I so missed the feeling of grandeur that I had been experiencing for quite some time. The severe depression lasted about 2 months, and now I have been in a mixed state, with my moods swinging from one extreme to the other in a matter of hours. Wow, I don’t like this it all. For example, on the Thursday I was down in the morning, then something got me going and I wanted to “party” but that was quickly shattered when my husband started to lecture me and I became withdrawn, but the next morning I jumped up, got all dressed up and insisted we go to the casino, that I felt lucky. He was reluctant to go but knew he better or else I would loose a bunch of money and end up drinking and driving or worse – end up having sex with a stranger.

I am not sure how much longer I will go before seeking help. I think if I spent more time in a depressed state that I would have already gone to a doctor but the highs feel so good and they are quite frequent and I am addicted to them.

Everything I have written is just a fraction of the bizarreness that had been going inside of me. I just wish it would stop. Yes I know I need help, but I don’t want to walk around doped on lithium for the rest of my life, so I am fighting this awful thing but unfortunately I am not winning.


  1. I understand how hard it must be to give up the feelings of euphoria associated with mania.
    I watched my husband of 34 years become a totally different person. This all seems to escalate with age and he is now 61.
    See my story as a response to “A Wife’s Story”. I don’t know what will happen to my marriage. The mania has lasted for 10 months now but he appears to be leveling. (without meds) However, knowing depression will usually follow, I am very frightened. I don’t think my husband has any idea how bizarre his behaviour has been.
    I am patient but don’t know how long I can hang on unless he is stabilized. This takes an enormous amount of energy. He hates the drugs because they “flatten” him but I do not think they ever figured out the correct “cocktail” which could stabilize him without deadening his personality…..

  2. Hello Kimbo. I was curious how it all worked out with your husband? My wife has bipolar and went through the same stuff. I actually let her explore her feelings. I sent her on vacation to see a friend of her’s so she could figure out her feelings. She kissed him also and thought she was still in love with him even though when they split it was because she did not love him. Since then she has realzied again that her feelings were not true. Every challenge has brought us closer together although… I know a lot of people who do not have bipolar end up leaving their spouse that does.

    Good luck and take care,

  3. you sound like you’ve really had some good times,but as you know you could end up in a very dangerous situation—-think of your husband and try to put you feet in his shoes– If not take meds for yourself, take them for your loved ones,please. I understand the bazareness–I hitchiked from Mississippi to Florida in a pair of jeans and a bathing suit top and NO SHOES- I kid you not. I made it but I could’ve gotten killed as I was raped.

  4. My oldest son is bipolar. I do not understand his disease. I refer to his bipolar as a disease because it is something he cannot help. It makes me so angry and annoyed. I am angry because I ws not supposed to have a child this way. I raised them in a Christian home with values. The biggest problem is that he blames almost all of his problems in life on me. He is confused. I have to drag him out of bad neighborhoods. I have to tell him he needs a shower. I have to suggest that he gets a haircut. He thinks everybody is his friend. He will steal for his friends. They laugh at him behind his back and take advantage of him constantly. He is self medicating. He won’t take his medicine consistenly. I think many of these people like this deny they have a problem. He would climb in and out of windows at night. He would cut himself. He would attempt suicide. He has mania and he takes it out on others violently. He has no boundaries. He has no hope for the future. I can see it in his eyes. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.

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