September 26, 2007
As long as I can remember I’ve been bipolar. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 19, but I can remember childhood episodes, of crying and carrying on all night for no particular reason. Thoughts of suicide and such all through childhood and adolescence.
I experience all the common symptoms of mania. Before we understood it, my boyfriend of three years, called it “Berserker Mode.” A mindset I fall into, where I get two days worth of work done in 5-8 hours, stay up all night, refuse meaningful physical contact, and am generally very “Mission” oriented. I can’t sleep or eat, until my sometimes pointless endeavors, are carried out. I smoke a pack a day and can’t stop shaking.
Then I have my depression phases. I can’t get out of bed, I call into work. I don’t get anything done around the apartment, I cry constantly and blame myself for the world’s problems.
When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was put on Seroquel and Lamictal…not good! I became a zombie, neglecting all my responsibilities. I was hallucinating, laughing uncontrollably at work. I was barley holding onto my job of three years (which I was quite proud of, I loved my work, co-workers and environment). I began storming through work like a soldier, literally threatening my beloved co-workers with death, if they got in my way.
I checked myself into the local hospital, and upon release..was fired from my job. I moved back in with my Dad and broke up with my boyfriend (my key supporter and best friend, who I had shared a home, life and bed with for two years) I lost 20 pounds (I stopped eating..all I did was sleep, cry and smoke insane amounts of cigarettes).
Later last year I moved back in with my boyfriend. I currently hold a tiny part-time job, and collect disability. I feel ashamed to be caught in the social security system. I’m still frightened to inform people about my disorder. I worry they won’t like me, or take me seriously, if they know something’s wrong with me mentally.
I keep busy though, I still play my guitar at the bar every Thursday night, and write hundreds of songs every year. I’ve been slipping recently with risky behavior lately though.
I recently took a job as an exotic dancer to fill some kind of validation void (or just cuz it’s scary). This has caused significant turbulence in my relationship (and why wouldn’t it?).
I stay at home all day still, doing pointless mathematical calculations in my head, pacing, and “interviewing” myself out loud, about subjects that hold no relevance. I feel unsafe to operate a car most of the time, experiencing desires to crash it and laugh while blood drips from my face. These visions are NOT healthy, and completely out of my control.
I have always struggled with emotional affairs, as well. I obsess over crushes, and am plagued with guilt over my intense sexual attraction to males and other females alike. While also plagued with guilt, over my fear of intimacy with my boyfriend and roommate of three years. He desires closeness in bed, I don’t even want to be touched most of the time. I despise cuddling, kissing and other activities healthy couples enjoy. I fear I will never be able to feel close to him physically.
The sexual appeal of strangers and new friends is overwhelming, because there is no emotional connectedness. Just fun and excitement. I went out to the bar to watch my friend’s band play, and next thing I knew I was making out with some drunk chick, I just met on the dance floor. As exciting as it was, I recognize that this is both dangerous for my health as well as for my relationship.
I can’t help it, I can’t handle the pressure of a committed relationship. Yet despite all the ways, and times I’ve let him down, my boyfriend has ALWAYS been right by my side. I am truly blessed to have his undying love surrounding me each day and reminding me how beautiful the world can be, if only I stop to take a breather! He is my bridge over impassable canyons!!!
I have been drinking, and leaning on vicodin, just to feel some sort of break in the intensity of my constant rough state. I stopped taking prescribed meds. The side effects were truly a hindrance to my health management. I still talk to a therapist every other week, it helps just to get it out. I’ve also stopped kickboxing, which was one of the best outlets I ever had. I simply don’t have the energy or patience most of the time to attend class anymore.
So here I am, up all night again…
Spilling my soul to strangers.
Hopefully someone out there can relate, and reassure me that I am not ALL alone in this constant battle of the moods.
Be well, Love always